𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐳𝐚 𝟐𝟓𝟖 [𝐄𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧]

𝟑𝟒. 𝐒𝐡𝐞'𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

Saturday had finally arrived and I was on one of the buses organised by the school to go to the city. Those two days seemed endless to me and I had spent them completely alone.

I avoided Louis like the plague, I always tried not to be in the room with him and on the other hand he did the same. Not even talking about being with my now ex friends, Liam every now and then I still saw him trying to get closer, but as soon as I incinerated him with my gaze he returned to his place. The last fight we had with Zayn still burned me and I hated myself for it, because despite everything, I still didn't like the fact that someone touched Louis or insulted him, even if I was the first to do it. I had become really pathetic, if I spoke to him it was only to call him a fagot, I also continued to provoke him and I enjoyed seeing him in difficulty. I'd started getting into the habit of walking around the room naked and whenever that happened, he always tried to ignore it, but I knew he wasn't very good at it.

Like last night, when he pretended he wasn't looking at me, but at an economics book. As if that itself wasn't absurd enough, he also held it in reverse. I burst out laughing as his brow furrowed and his discomfort became more and more evident.

"Oh Loulou" I sighed "You are without heart and feelings, but you still can't keep your fag nature hidden, huh? At least do me the favour of going to masturbate in the bathroom, I would never want to sleep in a bed dirty with your junk "

Before I knew it he had punched me in the face, but I continued to laugh.

"It certainly wouldn't be the first time and I would like to remind you that you also swallowed my crap and it seems to me that you liked it a lot!" Then he left the room and did not return.

I don't know where he slept, probably at Josh's, but today I still hadn't seen him.

I felt cold that night, even though spring had already begun. That bed was too big for me alone. As if not being able to divide the beds wasn't pathetic enough, I swapped his pillow with mine, to smell his and feel like he was there with me. Pathetic, absolutely pathetic.

I felt so alone that even the prospect of Nick raping me seemed inviting. I wondered if that had been his plan, to make me so desperate that I jumped off a cliff. On top of that he had had my new number and now he kept sending me messages like:

"Remember that I will always be there for you, love! xxx"

Every time I received one I rolled my eyes and puke came up my throat. I suspected Stan had passed the number to him and mentally cursed myself for having given it to him when we were still in the room together.

Even now on the bus, Nick had tried to sit next to me, but I had preferred to deviate and put myself next to a fucking nerd who was reading a book. I sighed, at least I was sure I wouldn't be disturbed. I grabbed my iPod and put Make Me Wanna Die by The Pretty on Reckless. After the initial soft jingle, immediately the rhythm of the guitar and drums overwhelmed me, then Taylor Momsen began to sing:

"Take me, I'm alive

I never was a girl with a wicked mind

But everything looks better when the sun goes down"

It reminded me of the old me, the one before I met Louis, a stupid kid who pretended to be a bad boy and the girls at night obviously fell into my trap and after all, it wasn't so bad.

"I had everything, opportunities for eternity"

Yes, maybe I was empty, but I was fake happy, I didn't realise how much I was and it was better that way. I fucked and I was happy, a girl had even offered me to join her modelling company and who knows, maybe I would have accepted, if it hadn't been for Lory's pregnancy.