Gwendalynn: The Girl With Cancer

Gwendalynn | 41

When I got bad again...

Beginning of MAY - 2013

I didn't talk to anyone. Not my parents. Not Kory. Not Ryan, Noah, or Alice. No one. I was alone. I was lonely. She was gone. She was completely and utterly gone. I would never see her again. The more times I said it to myself, the more it became real.

And here I am, with a sprite in my right hand and her letter in my left.

I still hadn't opened it. I'm not sure if I want to. But of course, these were her last words to me. I should at least see what she had to say. So I lifted the envelope. In her hand writing was my name

KYLE

I delicately turned the letter over and lifted the flap, careful not to rip it. I wasn't ever going to let this go.

Kyle,

Knowing you for three years, you're somewhere that reminds you of us, thinking bad things. I've always known this was going to happen. I knew from the moment we met that it was a mistake. We'd get attached and one day, one of us would be gone.

I know this is hard for you and I wish I could be there right now, telling you everything is going to be okay. But when I told you everything was okay when I was alive, I meant it. Everything is okay. Now I'm happy. You will be too.

All those memories and times we had together, they'll never change. They'll never be erased. I remember every one. From the moment we met, to the first day we kissed, to the day remission wasn't enough, and to today. I can't guarantee you that I see you right now, but if I can, I promise I'll try my best to protect you.

I promise I'll be okay and I'll try to make things for you better.

Please don't feel like you can't love someone else. It hurts to think that you might. It hurts to think that one day, you'll get to meet the love of your life, and she'll mean everything to you. She'll be more important to you than I am.

I shook my head. Impossible.

But when you do, know that I'll be happy for you. I'll be happy that you got married. I'll be happy that you have kids. I'll be happy that you two grew old and watched your kids have kids. I'll be happy for you, because I know she's giving you things that I never could, as much as I wanted to.

I love you Kyle. I have for three years. Our three years. They were the best years of my life. If I could take anything back, I wouldn't. In fact, I'd do it all again. I'd go through everything all over again just to be with you one more time.

It doesn't matter if I'm gone. It doesn't matter if I'm not there with you because I am. I'll always be there with you, Kyle, because I love you more than anybody else. You taught me what it's like to love someone and want to do anything for them. If I could do anything for you, I'd overcome my cancer so that everything would be okay again.

But that didn't happen.

Don't feel upset please. Don't feel like you can't be happy again. Just be happy that I'm happy now. I'm not gone, Kyle, because if I was, you wouldn't remember me. That's how I'd be gone. No one can take that away from you. No one. Please let someone in. I know you, Kyle, and you're probably not talking to anybody. Kory's probably going insane as your parents too. Please let them in. Please let a girl in. Don't be afraid to love someone again.

I love you.

Gwen.

I touched the words with my fingers. She'd written these very words on this very sheet of paper. It seemed impossibly ridiculous that a while ago, Gwen was holding this paper and writing her last words to me because she knew she wasn't going to live.