Gwendalynn: The Girl With Cancer

Gwendalynn | Kyle OneShot #1

When I found our song...

JULY - 2013

It had been three months since Gwen had passed. I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. No one had come to bother me. My brother hadn't returned from NYU and my parents were somewhere I didn't know.

I wasn't upset today.

I woke up around nine-thirty after a great dream of Gwen. This time, I knew she was gone when I opened my eyes. There were a few mornings where I thought she was alive and woke up and that broke me just like the same night she actually left, but this time, I remembered she was gone. And I was okay.

Recently, I'd gotten back into listening to my music. When Gwen and I had gone to the We The Kings concert, she mentioned some other bands to me and I really liked them. They were... rockish. Ever since, I haven't listened to my music because listening to what she listened to was something that reminded me of her besides my dreams. I could remember her while I was awake and not asleep, otherwise I'd be asleep all the time. But nonetheless I missed my music.

There was a time where I'd been trying to sleep for so long after reading another one of Gwen's poems and was listening to Mayday Parade when I came across a very special song. Our song.

Gwen and I never shared any of the things couples normally did. We never had month anniversaries and we never had a special shop where we could call 'our shop' and always visit on a date and we never had a lucky number and lastly, we never had a song. But now, we do.

Ever since I heard it for the first time, it was like it was purposely made for us. Like it was literally a song about us.

Yeah, it might be a little harder to understand to someone outside of our relationship, but with a bit of explanation, you'd start to get it. The thing is, it doesn't explain us when we were together. It explains us when she left.

And now here I am, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling while listening to our song. I smiled at the thought.

I restarted the song, thinking thoroughly of what each word meant.

Now it's hard to see with all these flashing cameras in my face, but I love the way they play, throwing shadows on the stage.

That sentence meant to me that all the flashing cameras were flashbacks of her. And even though it was hard seeing them after she's gone, I loved them because they were of her.

Wonder where you are and what you think about this place. I can't help but miss the days, and I'll write on every page.

I did. I wonder everyday where she's at, what she thinks of it - whether it's Heaven or just somewhere in space. And I do miss the days where she was here. I miss them constantly and I'll paint on every canvas, every notebook, and every wall of her, to remember her. To show her that I remember her and I'll never forget her.

My hero, she's the last real dreamer I've known. And I can tell you all about her.

These two sentences were my two favorites in the song. She was my hero. She saved me from screwing my life up any more than I already had. She dreamed constantly of me becoming a better person, living a life that I would love to live. Who else dreamed of that? No one but her. She was the only and she was the last. And I can tell anyone anything and everything about her.

I don't think I'll fall asleep till I roll over. Can we just start over again. And I can tell you all about... I don't think I'll fall asleep till then.

This part of the song was a bit harder for me to grasp. What I thought of when I heard this was that I'm not asleep and I haven't been asleep since Gwen had passed. In my mental state, I'm tossing and turning on my bed thinking of her, desperately trying to rest. I cannot be peaceful because I miss her so damn much that I just... can't. I want every day to start over my life with her. I could make everything worthwhile again. And I think that if I told everyone every good thing about her, just to relive her existence, I'd finally be able to fall asleep.

And now I just had this dream where we were on my bed again. Makin' love the way we did. Tell me how could I forget.

Now this part makes me smile because Gwen and I never ever even dreamed of having sex during our relationship. It just wasn't something that needed to be done. Gwen knew I loved her and I knew she loved me. We didn't have to have sex to feel 'connected' or whatever. We just needed to be with each other. I don't regret not doing it with her because I know that we already have... in a way that isn't so humane or physical, and I'm okay with it because I'm satisfied. And I could never forget about the times where we were together in a physical way, even though it was mainly making out, because those were a rarity. Those times made me feel like Gwen and I were just a regular teenage couple in a regular teenage relationship. No disease. No records.

This can't be healthy now, the way I dream about your lips. This just wasn't any kiss. I hope you're still not over this. Not at least till I get over you.

This is probably the second hardest part of the song for me. Remembering the way Gwen kissed me was something that even my own mind can't comprehend. Her touch gave me the most jolting feeling that not even an electric chair can suffice. I dream about her lips all the time, wishing that just one more time I could kiss her.

But her last kiss.

That wasn't just any kiss. That was a goodbye kiss. And I pray she's not over that. Not at least until I get over it. And I hope she never gets over that, because I most definitely never will.

Fast forward to the next verse, skipping the chorus.

And now I am left alone while you are lost in outer space, spreading love another way, and we'll meet again someday.

This is the hardest part of the song for me, yet I wait for it every time I press play. This particular sentence is the very sentence that made me realize that this is us. This is Gwen and me, no in-between.

Because I am left alone and she's somewhere out there where I'm not. I don't know where and I pray it's not out in some place where she needs me. But what I do know is that wherever she is, she is spreading love in some way, maybe two or three ways, because that's just how Gwen is. She loves. And she and I will meet again. It won't be today and it won't be tomorrow and it most likely won't be the next day, but we will. That's why it's called someday because it's a guarantee that a day, some particular day, I will get to see my first love again and I will reunite with her in a way that no one else will understand but me and her. And I will wait forever for that day.

I've taken all I can and I keep thinkin' just the same. I guess I'll die another day, but I'm sure I'll be on my way. Maybe I'll collapse and float away.

This part doesn't really need an explanation. I've taken all I can from Gwen, her love, her life, her... and I keep thinking the exact same thing ever since she was alive.

I haven't changed since she left.

I won't die the same day she died. I'll die another day, but either way, I'm headed there. And maybe, just maybe, I'll collapse and float away just like she did.

Please, go home.

This part gives me the chills every time and every time I hear it, I feel like I'm speaking to her, and no matter where I'm at, I'll look to the sky and I'll say in my head:

"Gwen, please... please come home."