Let's Not Meet Again

I am Being Stalked By The Cable Guy

This all started when my girlfriend kicked me out of our apartment. I won't go into too much detail, but I wasn't really there emotionally for her and we needed some time apart.

After getting all my things moved in to my new place I just wanted to relax, I'd been feeling pretty shitty about the whole thing. I had called up the local cable company, some no name company that had a monopoly on cable in my complex. When the cable guy shows up I get a weird vibe right off the bat, but he seemed nice enough and he really seemed to know what he was talking about, though I know nothing about cable so I was easily impressed.

Now this was back before there were a lot of cheap cable packages, and I'd been told by a friend that he'd once given the installer a little bit of money and the guy hooked him up with some nice channels. So I'm thinking, hey this guy seems nice, maybe I could try it. Huge mistake.

As soon as I offered him the money he flipped shit, he was yelling, accusing me, talking about laws, I was lost instantly, this guy was fucking bonkers. But then he starts laughing like some bipolar crazy person. Anyway, once that's over he agrees to "juice me up," and then asks me if I want to hang out with him at some satellite. Now, I'm a very polite person, so I tried to politely decline but he wouldn't take no for an answer. Herein lies my first mistake, I actually agree.

So we're at the satellite, apparently it's one used by the cable company. I'd gotten passed his weird personality for the most part and we actually start to have a nice conversation. Eventually it leads to us talking about my girlfriend. He gives me some GREAT advice, which I later found out was ripped off from Jerry Springer.

So I followed his advice and invited my girlfriend over to my place, it really seemed to work out. We watched a movie and I made a point to thank my new friend for his sound advice.

But things between my and the cable guy started to get pretty weird. I like to play sports and my friends and I often get together for a game of basketball, so we're playing when you know who appears. I invite him to play with us, that's mistake number 2. He turns an otherwise friendly game into some no holds barred prison rules game, pushing my friends down and generally acting like a dick. I was pretty mad but he didn't seem to understand why.

When I got home, the dude had called me like a billion times, and when I tried to turn on the TV the cable was out. I figured it was just an outage, I didn't think the cable guy was that big of a maniac. I called the customer service number I was given at installation and it must be a direct line because suddenly he's knocking at my door. I look through the peep hole and there he is, huge smile on his face and my severed cable in his hand. What. The. Fuck. Mistake number 3, I open the door.

Suddenly I'm being berated about how I'm not a good friend because I haven't called him back, and how I only call when I need something, blah blah blah. I agree to hang out with him if he fixes my cable. Look, I had shows I needed to watch, don't judge me.

Have you ever heard of Medieval Times? It's a themed dinner and show where you get to watch knights battle while you feast on chicken legs. Well that's where he wanted to go. Mistake 4, I actually go. The show was alright, but I'd had enough of our friendship, he was more clingy than a turd on a hairy asshole and I kept dropping hints that we can't hang out anymore. He was either oblivious or just ignoring me. Looking back I think it was a mix of both.

The night was pretty eventful, we were able to go into the arena and try on the armor, and mock sword fight, I actually had fun. We end up going back to my place, and yeah, I was starting to think that maybe I was wrong about him. Mistake 5, I gave the psycho another chance.

When we walked into my apartment, something was different, then I noticed it, the most beautiful and largest television I'd ever seen, and the surround sound, oh my fucking god. He then confessed that he'd gotten into my apartment while I was out. I started to feel guilty, here I was trying to tell this guy I couldn't be his friend, and I'm judging him, and it turns out he's actually a really cool guy. I told him I couldn't take these things and asked that he return them. I was feeling awful about the entire situation.

He agrees, but then he says that he'll only do it if we have a karaoke party. A little back story, he loves karaoke. Anyway, we're having this party, I don't know anyone, but they're all friends of his I guess. I called my girlfriend and find out that despite my best efforts, she's still going out with some other asshole. I'm fucking pissed, obviously, and I see this girl. I start talking to her and I find out her name is Heather. She's gorgeous, and we start making out.

I'm going to stop counting my mistakes, because it's at this point pretty much everything I do is a huge fuck up. I wake up the next day and find that he is still inside my apartment, I guess he hadn't left that night. I didn't care much since he was cooking breakfast and after a late night fuck sesh I was hungry.

That's when he drops the bomb on me, Heather, is a hooker. He'd paid her to have some weird seemingly genuine encounter with me and he thought that was normal. I lost my shit, I honestly don't remember what I said, but I kicked him out of my apartment.

The next day I get a call from my girlfriend, apparently he had showed up at her apartment and told her I had paid for a cable upgrade for her, and then apparently played me up to look awesome. I wasn't going to squander this, so I took credit. Yeah, maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but fuck it man, I really love this girl.

So later that day I run into him, and I decide to thank him for his help, but end our friendship. There was too much drama and craziness, I just couldn't handle it anymore.

Shit really goes to hell from here.

The next day at work some cops show up and I feel like I've seen them before, now I realize they were at the karaoke party. They start talking about how I was in possession of stolen property, I get arrested and booked.

While I'm talking to my lawyer, I find out that my new "friend" doesn't actually work for the cable company. After getting out I'm fired from my job, I'm pretty down at this point.

I'm with my girlfriend at her parents house and you know who shows up. I'm tired of this guy, I warn him that I'll call the cops and suddenly he's showing me a picture I guess he'd taken of me with Heather. He starts to threaten me, saying he'll show her. I punched him in the face and suddenly I'm in some episode of the twilight zone because now I'M the bad guy, and my girlfriend and her family are suddenly super pissed off at me. I go home and I'm laying on my couch when I see something strange under my coffee table. I reach down and pull something taped to the bottom. A FUCKING CAMERA!

This is still ongoing, I just got a call from him saying that he and my girlfriend are going to hang out, so I'm about to head over there. I really hope he's not there.

So cable guy who is stalking me, please lets not meet again.