Let's Not Meet Again

My Coworker Became My Worst Nightmare

This happened last year at a new job. This guy Mike was in charge of my training. At first he seemed like a nice guy - we'd talk about common interests, have lunch together, normal things coworkers do. Then one day he started to overshare things from his personal life like "I hate my wife" (who I knew was pregnant at the time) and "if I told you I cut myself in a place that only God and I can see would you want to know where?"

Now keep in mind I'd known the guy for all of three weeks when this started happening and the most personal thing I'd ever shared was that I'd been on Prozac in my first year of college, which I didn't think was a big deal because doctors prescribe it like candy. (This is important, you'll see why.) Whatever, I didn't want to piss him off because what if he started badmouthing me to the managers? Still, I did my best to change the subject when he went too far, which was becoming a daily thing. I also avoided being alone with him as much as possible.

That didn't stop Mike from deciding that I was now his best friend/sister. He started actually referring to me as "his sister from another mother" and then just "his sister" in front of other people from the office. The first couple times he did it I laughed it off, but then it stopped being funny because in his mind this was now a fact. He even tried to make the relationship official on Facebook (I'd added him along some other people from work - big mistake). By this point, my actual (biological) brother was itching to have a talk with this guy, but I told him it wasn't a big deal and I'd try to gently extricate myself from the situation.

Well, gently extricating myself didn't work. I was having lunch with this other guy from work in the cantina one day. Background: this is a guy who finished the same course I did (different year though), so we had lots to talk about and I really liked having someone around my age to talk to. Anyway, I could see Mike giving him the stink eye from across the room (he was eating alone, in a very obvious "look what you're doing to me" display). The same evening, Other Guy messages me on Facebook telling me Mike's texting him over Slack about me (we use Slack at work and some people have it on their phone for out of hours stuff). He shows me screenshots of the convo. Mike basically saying shit like "I'll protect her to my dying breath from scum like you" and "if you break her heart I'll break you". This is some of the most cringe and disturbing stuff I've ever read from a I actually know IRL. Other Guy rightfully asks me what the hell is going on, did I tell Mike we were together or something?.Because if I did, he apologises if he sent me the wrong signals but we are most definitely not together.

I'm pretty pissed by now, not just because this is threatening one of the few friendships I have at work but because this is fucked up all around. So I message Mike asking him to stop threatening my friend while also apologizing to Other Guy over the misunderstanding. Mike texts back "I'm just looking out for you, that's what brothers do." Okay. Deep breath. This is happening. I message him telling him that he's a very good friend (emphasis on 'friend') but I don't need to be looked out for, really I don't. He comes back with "then I'll just protect you from the shadows" and a winky face. He says some other cringe shit about me being young and naïve which makes me a target (what.) but by this point I am 300% done with whatever he thinks this is so I just block him.

The next morning, Mike comes in late, sits his ass down and immediately texts me on Slack "are you okay", which I ignore. Bit later he gets up to go for his smoke break and as he goes past my desk he says "Hey I Slacked you, did you see?" Yeah, I saw but I'm not doing this anymore. I pull off some generic "sorry, I'm busy" line and mind my own business. Lunch comes and goes, the day goes on without a word from him until about ten minutes before it's time to go home, when I get a WALL OF TEXT on my Slack that basically makes me realize that what's happening in Mike's head has absolutely nothing to do with real life. Zero. Sweet fuck-all. He thinks I'm lashing out because I'm hurt and angry because of my "trauma" (I assume he's talking about my depressive episode from years ago). He says he'll stand by his "dear FRIEND" because he made a promise to be my brother/defender and he's not going to take the easy way out and let me go just because I'm hurt. He actually WANTS me to take out my "pain and anger" on him, because he can take it.