Thicker Than Ink

Twenty Two

"I am so sorry, Princess... I really am... I should've known better..." Even though my tears have stopped, Silas keeps repeating himself, his voice low as he holds me close, the way he keeps me close no longer as distressing though I can't say for sure whether or not I can actually say that I'm comfortable... Just drained... 

I cried... and I kept crying... I kept crying until I could figure out that there was not and is not any reason for me to think that Silas might actually be mad at me the same way that he was mad at Mason for showing up here and that me panicking most definitely is not something that would be considered good for our baby... And that even though he had followed him out the door it didn't necessarily mean that he was going to run off and get into a hunting accident... He isn't going to leave without being careful... He isn't going to get me pregnant and then run off and leave me a widow... He wouldn't do that... He wouldn't do that because he knows I need him... And he should know that I wouldn't be able to handle losing him that way...

But that doesn't stop the apologies flowing from his lips that had become a continuous loop of words after he had finally pressed his way into my head and realized what exactly had scared me so much about him walking out the door after having such a heated exchange of words... I don't know when he plans on stopping... But for now, I don't object to it because I need to hear it... I need him to keep reminding me that he didn't do that just now on purpose... That he didn't mean to scare me and make it feel like I had sunk to the center of the earth and that the entire planet was caving in on me and crushing me into the most extreme version of nothing that I have ever been... In those moments after he walked out the front door it had felt like the world had ended for me... That time had stopped and I was so lost knowing that it was about to happen again... I was going to be abandoned in life, again... And my mind hadn't been able to stomach the thought... 

He had scared me so much... 

And I know I should speak up and tell him that he's forgiven... That I understand that he was only making sure that Mason actually left like he was supposed to... That he was reacting towards his father and his father alone... But none of that had seemed to matter... Only that Silas had stormed off angry enough to be distracted... And that he might not ever come back just like my parents never came back... 

...

Silas

...

"Talk to me, Princess... Please... Say something... Anything..." Even though he stopped crying Addy can't seem to bring himself to respond to anything... Not the feel of my hands on his belly or even a single word coming out of my mouth, his mind feeling empty of everything but the bizarre numbness that has started to bloom and overwhelm him... His body limp in my arms as I keep him held in my lap... 

When I had stormed after Pop I had thought about the fact that Addy normally panics when he can't see me... And I had written it off this time as him not necessarily minding in the moment because he didn't exactly want to look at me anyway... But I hadn't even considered the fact that this might remind him of the day his parents never came home... 

I hadn't thought about the fact that today had been a good day, just like his birthday that year had been a good day... And here it is having ended in violence, just like it did back then... His mind had made the jump and associated the pattern with the grief he had gone through after it happened the first time... The panic attack that I triggered bigger than any of the ones I've seen since we've found each other and it's more than understandable... My sweet Bean had thought the worst... That he had lost me... 

I can understand why he was so scared... Even if the guilt that comes with that understanding shatters me to pieces... But I know... In the end, I should have tried to keep a lid on my anger instead of letting Mason rile me up... I shouldn't have slammed the door on his foot... I could've just called Liam and asked him to show up with some of the guys and problem solved... I had been hasty and unnecessarily violent in front of Adrian... I had acted like the old me... The guy he used to hide from every time I visited the North Pine Pack compound... The ass who never bothered to pay attention to the people around him and was so used to following every urge that would spring up while interacting with people who wear my patience thin... 

I wasn't acting like the kind of man I think Adrian deserves... I was being more than childish breaking Pop's foot... Even kicking him would've probably been better... But instead, I let the two of us get loud and act dumb, and it had left my sweet Bean more terrified than I think he's ever been in his whole life... And now he's numb... And he won't talk to me... And the worst part about it all is that this is my fault and I have no idea how to fix it... 

His anxiety medication isn't safe for him to take while pregnant, and even if it was I don't know how I would feel medicating an attack that big caused by something I did when really I need to be fixing this... Even if I'm not sure how to at the moment... 

Adrian thought he was going to lose me... 

And that thought breaks more than just his heart...

It's breaking mine.