Thicker Than Ink

Twenty Five

"Baby Boy...  Come on... You wake up for me? Breakfast is ready..." I don't think I've ever actually had to wake Adrian up this way... Being careful with my words... Being nervous because last night didn't end like it should have... Instead of falling asleep in my arms he had rolled over and turned the other way and asked me to give him space instead of asking me to hold him tight...  It had felt so wrong... Which is why we need to talk about it... I don't want the same to happen tonight... 

It's also strange because normally once I get out of bed he doesn't take very long to wake up on his own... Today, though, he seems to be struggling even to open his eyes and look up at me from his pillow before he starts drifting back to sleep again, his nightmares from last clearly having robbed him of any actual restful sleep... My mate grumbling at me as he rubs his sleepy face into the pillow before turning over and hunkering down, the comforter being pulled up just a little higher over his shoulder, his brain back to sleep in seconds... 

The sight of him turning his back on me shattering a part of my soul that I hadn't realized was quite so fragile... The sting that settles into my heart taken with as many grains of salt as I can manage, the logical side of my brain telling me that not only was last night exhausting, but it was on top of him already growing an entire tiny person in his belly... Of course, he's going to need more sleep... He needs more sleep... And that is okay... I don't need to read into it as anything other than him not being ready to get up yet, and not that he's angry with me... Or that his forgiveness last night before falling asleep was hollow because he would never do that... He wouldn't say something to me that he didn't mean and I know that... 

Knowing that though doesn't really make the plate in my hand meant for him any less heavy... And it doesn't really ease the hurt in my chest when I turn around and take it back into the kitchen, my own plate having already been abandoned when I realized that I'd never be able to choke down french toast when my stomach feels like it's tied into such tight knots... My anxiety this morning a penance for triggering such an extreme panic attack in my sweet mate last night when he had been in such a tender vulnerable state of mind...

For a second I almost just toss the plate into the sink to worry about later... But it occurs to me that I can cover it in cling wrap just in case he does wake up not too long from now and wants to eat it, a spot in the fridge made for when the plate cools off as it sits on the counter staring at me like it knows what I did last night and understands how fucked up I feel this morning with the echoes of hammers and saws ringing into the house from Liam and the guys knowing that I'm not in the proper mental space... 

I don't know what to do with myself really... I won't be of any use outside, but it also feels like I might not entirely be welcome back in the bedroom... But then again if I don't go back in the bedroom and Addy wakes up to find me gone he might have another meltdown thinking that I've left him again... And I want to do whatever I can to avoid that because he doesn't need any more stress than he's already been put through... The lump that has taken up residency in my throat refusing to be swallowed as the image of him pulling on his hair sobbing all folded up on the ground like he was continues to haunt me while my current guilt holds me hostage...

That very same guilt being what guides my decision to pad my way back into the bedroom, the door being shut as quietly as I can manage before I make my way over to my chair to sit instead of climbing back into bed so that Addy can have the space that he needs, but will also keep me in his line of sight for when he opens his eyes so that he knows that I'm here and that I don't ever plan on leaving like he's terrified that I will... That even if I do leave home it won't ever be without him and our children, and it most certainly won't be out of anger or the need to not be around him... 

...

Adrian

...

I know that I need to get up... I know I do... 

But it seems like I just can't manage to keep my eyes open, not even when I feel the light touch of Silas's hand on my shoulder or hear him whisper to me about breakfast being ready, the smell of which makes my mouth water but not enough to actually pull me out of the first hint of real sleep that I've seen all night... 

There are things that need to get done today, and it's not that I'm not aware of that... I know that Sigh and I need to sit and unpack what happened... I know that he probably wants to apologize for losing his temper again, and I need to apologize for losing my mind when he left to make sure Mason actually made himself scarce... I know that I need to wake up, and sit up, and talk to my soulmate so we can both start learning from yesterday and healing from it... I know we need to call and confirm our appointment so we can start therapy sooner rather than later... But my eyelids are so dang heavy that I'm not sure if any of that would even be possible right now... 

I just need to sleep... 

We didn't go to bed mad per se... But we didn't go to bed on the best terms and it needs to be cleared up so we don't have any more restless nights ever again... 

I just need five more minutes first...