Thicker Than Ink

Fifty Eight (18+)

"Sigh... Sigh, I'm going to let the others know that its safe to come in, alrght? I'll let Agatha know not to come in here specifically, but please know she is still here, okay?" Liam is careful as he straightens up from where he had been crouching in order to keep his voice soft while speaking to me while I stay shifted and just barely hidden under the bed I share with my mate... My head and shoulders being the only things that actually manage to properly fit into the snug darkness that's currently one of the very few things helping me feel safe right now...

I can't manage much more than a huff to let my Beta know that he's in the clear to let everyone else relax while in the house... Just as long as they all stay out of here with the exception of Addy...

At this point, I don't care what anyone else has to say or what they feel like doing right now... Just as long as my mate and our baby are alright then I don't care... I can't... Not when my nerves feel as frayed as they are right now... And I don't know if I'll be able to find the courage or the strength I would need in order to change that any time soon... Not with how traumatic today felt...

Not with how overwhelming it all was and still is...

not when the scent of Pop's blood is still hanging so heavily in my nose...

I don't turn around when I hear Liam start to walk out... Not even when I hear the door open, though the sound of it opening does make me flinch...

I simply let my beta quietly shut the door on his way out while knowing that while I'm stuck like this, feeling weak and unable to hold myself together long enough to even attempt to reason with my wolf in order to shift back and join everyone else out in the living room while they decompress and start digesting what happened today and what we need to do about it...

It makes me feel like I'm a coward... And like I need to try harder somehow to pull the shattered edges of my mind back together and try to figure out how to match up the frayed and jagged edges to try and make my head make sense again... But instead of actually achieving that it just seems like I only keep making things worse... The image of pop surrounded by blood-soaked towels popping up in my mind every time I blink or close my eyes... Nothing giving me relief except staring into the darkness that is the chasm that exists under our bed... The space left open not for me specifically... But for Addy when he has anxious moments like this... Because his wolf tends to prefer to hide when he's anxious enough to shift...

I feel like I'm finally able to understand the desire better now that I'm battling with it myself... But I can't help but feel isolated as I start to hear hushed voices start in the other room... My body feeling overly exposed sticking out the way it is with my wolf being too big to actually fit the way I want to at the moment...

I know eventually Addy will make his way in here to check on me and that i won't feel overly exposed or isolated for too much longer... I know his gentle hands rubbing themselves through my fur and the soft presence of him in the room next to me... Near enough to touch and to hold and to appreciate... It will be enough for me to start feeling a little bit more soothed than I am just by being home... It'll help me feel safe which I need right now...

Safety is something I can't seem to offer myself right now... No matter how hard I try to cling to what it used to mean in my mind...

I'm not even the one who got hurt today... But somehow... Living out here in the woods doesn't feel as safe as it did yesterday... And I don't know if it's just because I'm in the middle of a meltdown or a panic attack or if it's because the backyard currently feels tainted and raw... But I hate it...

I hate every second of feeling this way... And the self-loathing only seems to increase the longer it goes on... My wanting of Addy to come in here and finally tell me that everything will all be okay somehow feeling exceptionally selfish on my end considering that it was partially my fault that he nearly stressed himself into losing our child because he felt like he had to handle everything on his own without my help from me being catatonic in most stressful moments...

Even if he does understand that it wasn't on purpose and that I wasn't intentionally abandoning him to handle things on his own... It doesn't feel good and I don't feel like I'm a capable mate... Or even a good one...

I know that part of how overwhelmed and crushed I'm feeling right now is just my head making things feel worse than they actually are... I know that it hasn't really set in yet that both Addy and Ma are both actually okay and that Pop is stable and being looked after...

I know that once that information settles in my mind that maybe my shoulders will be able to drop just a little bit from where they're drawn up and tense, and my hackles will eventually drop right along with them...

I'm hoping that eventually I'll be able to relax and admit to myself that a lot of what happened today was completely out of my control...

But right now I'm not quite there yet...

I'm still at the place where mentally I feel strung out and like I need to cry even though I don't think I actually have any tears left after how many times I've ended up with them streaming down my face today for so many different reasons...

And right now...

If being stuck in this place where I feel the need to hide from it all is my best right now...

Thats okay.