Thicker Than Ink

Fifty Six

"It's okay, Silas... I've got it. I'll pull the truck closer to the entrance, you just stay with our Chipmunk, okay?" Having Agatha still being so nice makes my heart feel heavier than I ever could have imagined... Maybe because it feels like it took her until something tragic happened to not hold me at arm's length anymore... Or maybe it's just because today has been possibly the worst day Adrian and I have had since finding each other...

It's been so rough that I actually want to lean on her, but I'm not sure if I should... Because tomorrow we'll probably wake up and be right back where we were before... And it hurts... Not because it's Agatha and she's family... But because it's making me feel alone... More alone than I did before she showed up... She's here... Well, walking towards the truck at least... And Liam is here... But eventually, they'll both go home and go back to whatever it is they had going on before everything went down today and I'll be left alone with the thoughts I can't speak out loud without causing my fragile mate more stress... The one thing he desperately needs to be free of at the moment... 

Either way... After double and triple checking with the Doctors that it was safe for Adrian to head home as long as we all keep an eye on him... I find myself holding my sweet Bean closer as he clings to me and I keep finding such a bitter flavor in my mouth... My brain unable to make sense of the taste of it every time it surges forward because there is just too much else on my mind... Adrian's wellbeing for example...

I feel... overwhelmed... Like my mind can't wrap itself around the fact that in a single day I almost lost both of my parents and my unborn child due to the stress of almost losing both of them... And I feel like it won't take much to break me if something else happens today... If something else goes wrong... Especially with Addy...

The thoughts feel foreign and obtuse... And the knot of anxiety in my chest as Agatha pulls the truck up to the entrance only gets worse as she gets out and gives the gentlest of smiles at me and Addy, her eye contact brief enough to not upset my already edgy wolf while he continues to try and fight me for control of the body we share in order to try and keep our Luna safe...

Any other time she would have stared me down and at best, she would've given me a half-smile or a smirk instead of the expressions she's been offering up today...

I'm sure that Adrian finds it comforting though, the way he reaches his hand out to her as she comes closer in order to speak, her hand more than happy to take his and hold it and offer comfort while the truck idles behind us, "Would you like me to drive? I can ask Quinn to help me come back and get my car later."

...

Adrian

...

Just as I'm about to tell Grammy that it's fine and that she doesn't need to go that far... That I don't need all the fuss... But... It occurs to me that I'm not the one that she's asking... She's asking Silas directly, an odd, but appreciated change... Her tone completely respectful, and actually kind... Like... Full-on nice... Gentle...

She doesn't have a single note of resentment in her body language either, even if I am too tired to really investigate further... I appreciate the effort she's putting in... The kindness is needed right now more than ever... And I don't think I would have been able to keep her in my life if she served up a bad attitude to someone who's hurting as bad as Silas is at the moment... The shock of the da still weighing so heavily on his mind that he can barely form coherent thoughts when I peek into his mind... Everything is jumbled...

At first, I'm not sure if Silas has it in him to actually form an answer... The look on his face nearly blank as she waits for his answer... A slow nod working its way into existence... Silas himself looking just a bit confused by his own answer... With the way, he feels about other people touching his truck or his bike it almost shocks me that he's agreeing to Grammy doing more than just moving the truck closer... But I can understand how tired he feels right now...

It's maybe one of his steadiest emotions at the moment... And the fact that I know I've added to it... No matter how unintentionally... It makes my heart hurt... And I find myself pressing my face into the crook of his neck so he can't see me anymore, only adjusting myself when he sets me ever so carefully in the middle of the seat before buckling me in and pressing in next to me before closing the door... My eyes aimed at the ground the entire time once I lose my hiding place... So I can keep him from seeing the shame I feel over the extra drama...

I can't believe I caused such a fuss over what was nothing more than dehydration and stress... It feels like O took attention away from where it was needed the most... And I don't know just how to approach unpacking the emotions tied up in that thought right now...

Today ended up being bad...

Just bad...

When I had woken up I had already thought it was going to not be the best day just from Silas and I trying to start working on the separation anxiety we share... I wasn't super excited about the thought of not being able to watch him work...

And now being contemplative as Grammy shifts the truck into gear and sets us in motion... I feel foolish for thinking that that was what constituted a bad day...

I know I shouldn't be beating myself up over it because at the time... Not being able to be near Silas physically was the worst thing that the two of us could go through together because my mind hadn't been dreaming of absolute worst-case scenarios... But I can't seem to help it...

I feel like somehow I was selfish... And I don't know how to correct things... I don't know how to make them better... I don't feel like I should be headed home to relax and be stuck in bed when Bethany and Mason are in worse shape... When the pack needs me...

I should be up... I should be helping somehow... I should be the one holding us together instead of Grammy and Liam... And I don't know how or where to start or if it's even possible to do so from our bed...

It feels like I'm having to choose between our baby and the wellbeing of everyone we're responsible for... And that I'm being selfish with my choice...

I know the others won't see it that way... But as Silas holds my hand and I feel the way he's shaking from it all... I feel so guilty that I can't stop them when the tears finally start...