Thicker Than Ink

Twenty Three

It seems like no matter how hard I try I can't seem to put together an actual thought or anything to actually say.. Even when Silas eventually picks me up to move me back into bed so I can rest, my mouth can't seem to will itself to move, my head wanting to stay blank and numb instead of coping with the rest of my drop and the sadness on Silas's face as his apology keeps looping itself around in his head... The words don't reach his mouth any longer but it doesn't mean I don't still hear him or feel the regret he has over acting the way he did despite both of us knowing it could have ended up being much worse than it was... Over leaving and scaring me... 

If I'm completely honest... It's not the fact that he yelled and let Mason get a rise out of him while we were having Princess time... It's that he got mad and then ran out the door... 

It had felt like he had put me right in Mom's shoes the day she had to run after him and neither one of them ever came home again... She didn't want to raise me alone and he was leaving... So she chased the man she loved right out the door and into the path of that hunter and for all I knew Silas was doing the same, just this time out of anger... I had thought he was about to chase Mason down and get hit by a car and get hurt, or worse, that there would be another poacher and our little tiny nugget would be half-batmaned... It just won't click in my brain that he did that... That he left... 

Silas left me... 

He was angry and he stormed right out the door and in the process he managed to shatter my heart and soul so thoroughly that I no longer can tell which pieces belong where or even how to sort them... I just feel numb towards the whole situation... I feel numb towards him... I don't like that I feel numb towards him but I don't know how to feel the way I did before towards him when I feel so weak and shaky that I know I can't actually handle even thinking about him possibly doing that again... What if I let his love touch me and then he runs out again? If I hand him the residual powder of all that is left of my heart from being pulverized and trust that he won't let it slip from his fingers on his way out the door to chase someone else... 

I know he didn't do it on purpose... That he didn't mean anything by it and he certainly did not mean to scare me at all let alone on purpose... But I feel like I'm too wiped out to talk about it... I just want to hold my belly and remind myself that I need to try and not dissolve into tears and panic again because doing that could be bad for my little nugget... And I want to keep my baby Bean safe... I need to keep him safe... I know I need to let go of what just happened... But I need to keep the baby safe too... And I need to make sure that my child's father doesn't run off and never come back again because I need him. 

I need him to stay. 

I need him to stay. 

And to be here.

And to be with me. 

And I need him to not ever leave after raising his voice... Because that isn't okay... It isn't okay to storm off half-cocked and full of anger because that is how accidents happen and I refuse to be left a widow, especially not this young. 

...

Silas

...

It's hard watching Adrian lean himself away from me... To not feel him react to my touch when I slide into bed behind him with my sweatpants still on... He hadn't even let me help him get comfortable... He had pushed my hands away gently, but it had still hurt to watch him shrug himself out of his borrowed bottoms and leave his shirt on before climbing into bed with barely any help at all... 

I know that part of it is exhaustion from his drop... And part of it is him settling into the numbness that sometimes comes in small doses after his panic attacks that always worries me... There isn't anything that I can really do about it though this time other than follow his lead and give him whatever comfort he feels okay with taking from me at the moment... Which seems to be spooning... My hands staying up above his waist to keep him close and let him know that I am very aware that now is not the time to try and pick up where we had left off at earlier before Pop had shown up... The most daring thing I manage to build up the courage for ending up being me pressing my lips to the back of his shoulder for a kiss that I'm not even sure he picks up on until I'm greeted with the sight of my sweet Bean peering so very shyly over that shoulder to try and figure out what I'm doing behind him... 

He keeps eye contact for so long that at first, I think that maybe I read the situation wrong and that climbing into bed behind him was the wrong course of action... But when I start to pull my arm away and reach for one of the pillows so I can go and sleep on the couch my Princess stops me, the grip of his hand enough of a reason for me to pause with a very important question in my eyes... Does he want me to leave or does he want me to stay?

"D-Don't go... I... I'm trying, Silas... Not mad... Just... Tired... C-Can we just go to bed? Please?"