Thicker Than Ink

Twenty Seven

"A-Are you okay?" The way Silas says the words almost makes me cry... The way his voice breaks in the beginning hurting my heart with the sadness so very present in his words... I almost don't know how to answer him... I don't know how to make his question make sense in my mind... As if I could ever be okay after thinking that he had walked right out on me never to return... My biggest fear shoved right in my face for me to panic over right after having Doctor Paxton confirm our pregnancy... It had felt like the world had been melting down around me and I had been incapable of stopping it... It kept slipping through my fingers like the sand my glass heart had been pulverized in to... I had been presented with the thought of having to navigate through life as a single parent who would never be able to stop grieving my soulmate and it had crushed my soul into dust so quickly that there had been nearly nothing left of me by the time Silas had walked back into the house and found me losing my mind at the base of the hallway...

The feel of his arms wrapped around me afterward had been too much... I couldn't allow myself to believe that he had actually come back inside... And I didn't want my heart to hurt even more if the phantom of him was ripped away from me when I opened my eyes again this morning... It had been so overwhelming that I hadn't been able to let him hold me even after I was sure he wasn't going to disappear... I just couldn't... I had ended up overstimulated and in mental pain over judging myself for my own reaction to a situation that anyone else would have been completely fine with... Because if he needs to blow off steam with a run after fighting with his Dad it should be considered a healthy outlet instead of breaking things or fighting Mason like he had actually wanted to...

It takes me longer than I would like to try and figure out how to phrase it, but it seems like maybe the simplest way will be best... A very hesitant, "No... Not really..." leaving my lips as my eyes hit the comforter that has found itself bunched up in my hands in the midst of all of our awkwardness... Silas's leg stilling itself just for a second when I answer so he can digest it before he starts bouncing his heel again, this time twice as fast as his brain circles the drain while he tries to figure out how to best approach the situation... 

...

Silas

...

"Silas... " It takes me a minute to realize that Addy has said my name again, but once I do his voice makes it feel like the whole world stops... It always makes the whole world feel like it's stopped... Like everything has to calm down so we can all pay attention... Because when someone as sweet as him speaks it'll be something that makes you feel warm inside... It always is... "Silas... It's okay... We had a bad night... It's not something that you need to 'fix'... We just need to figure out how to handle it better next time... That's all..." 

I didn't know when I would ever be welcome to touch him again... But the question is answered when I'm gifted a watery smile as he lets go of his hold on the comforter and holds his hands out to me, his fingers gesturing for me to come over to him... His arms spreading wide as I draw nearer so I know exactly what he wants... 

The distance between the bed and where I was sitting closed so quickly that I'm almost not sure I even really made the conscious decision to stand up... My ass not even bothering to hit the mattress... Instead, I let my knees carry me all the way to my sweet, gentle, kind, caring mate so I can hover over him for just a second to catch a whiff of his scent waft up from the crown of his head before sitting back on my heels and pulling him up from his spot so I can hold him properly... My sweet boy just the same as he's always been... Sweeter than a sugar cube and twice as precious as one... A gentle grunt leaking from his lips when I squeeze him tighter than I actually intend to... A small chuckle following it up when I push another gentle 'I'm sorry' into his mind.

...

Adrian

...

I don't expect it when I feel Silas's tears start to fall into my hair as he presses kiss after kiss into my sleep muddled hair, the withdrawing of my affection clearly having caused him more distress than I realized with how relieved he is over getting to hold me again... His arms not feeling like the vices that I had thought they were last night... The comfort that washes over us both nearly overwhelming with how genuinely nice it feels to have invited his touch back now that things are calm in the golden yellow light streaming in through the closed blinds that proudly announces that a new day has started... The sins from last night washed clean by the sorrow we both feel over how we acted and reacted to each other... The forgiveness that is given on both ends not questioned as Silas breathes apology after apology into my hair... 

Silas's hands cling to me just the same way that I'm clinging to him, the two of us trying hard to express that we aren't upset really... Just in the process of decompressing with each other and navigating the stickiness that last night left behind between our hearts... 

"Thank you for coming back, Silas..." I'm not sure what drives the need to say it... But that one statement is what breaks the camel's back for my mate as he holds me, his wolf letting out the most anxious of whines when his tears break into full-blown sobs as he starts to let himself really cry as he tries to assure me that he would never not coming back... That he would never and will never walk out and leave me all alone... That he's sorry... That he didn't think about what it would remind me off to storm off that way... That he loves me... 

And that is what I hold on to... 

He loves me... 

And I love him. 

Yesterday was bumpy at the end but not insurmountable... 

And this embrace is just the start of getting through it and being better for it.