Thicker Than Ink

Thirty

Halfway through chewing the bite I had urged him to take my poor sweet Bean had had enough, and tears had started soaking into my shoulder as he tried to find the will to swallow... It had broken my heart to know that that one single bite had been enough to tip the scales on his emotions, and the guilt that had built up inside me was certainly growing no smaller... It had been overwhelming for him to chew, but eventually, he did, and then he opened his mouth for his vitamins like the sweet Bean he is, his eyes shut tight the entire time with tears streaming down his face...

It had seemed so traumatic when it was happening that it's hard to believe that he's actually sleeping right now... Sure, he had cried himself there after managing to ask me to shut the curtains... But here he is, fast asleep in my arms trying his best to catch up on the rest that neither of us really got last night... It won't be long until my eyes close and I join him... But I needed a few minutes of just holding him and watching him sleep first... I needed to lay here and just focus on the way he feels in my arms... I needed to see him all wrapped up safe and sound... I needed to hold him and our nugget close for a few minutes to let it all seep in that we are on our way to being okay again even though Addy isn't feeling well... 

I just needed a few minutes to make sure that everything really is okay... And to make sure that I'm okay... And as anxious as I am to admit it... I don't really know if I am... It had felt too easy to let Pop get a rise out of me... It had felt too easy to let myself get that mad... I had slammed the door on his foot with real rage, and no matter how many times I tell myself that Pop had crossed more than one line by even showing up here in the first place I still can't justify breaking bones even knowing that they would eventually heal... And all of the emotion I'm feeling over it needs to be acknowledged instead of pushed away and buried until we get into the therapist... So I'm taking a minute to do that, and to breathe, and to watch the love of my life sleep as soundly as he can with his head pounding the way that I know it is... 

I know that we have quiet moments like this all the time... That I always spend the first few moments of every day staring at him and imagining all of the different ways our lives will continue to change as we grow together... I think of the way I know that this house will soon be filled with the sound of tiny footsteps and the kind of laughter that comes with raising kids and being a happy family... And of how much I love the man sleeping so securely in my arms... And I know that in the end everything is going to be okay... I can close my eyes knowing that when we wake up hopefully Addy will be feeling better and we'll get some more food into his belly and into my own... 

...

Adrian

...

I already figured that I would be in and out of sleep no matter what I tried today because of how overwhelming the ache in my head is... But I hadn't expected to wake up to the sound of Silas snoring, the mini-earthquake each deep rumble causes shaking its way through his body and then through mine... It's loud... And it makes me want to tear my ears off my head, but at the same time, it makes me smile because I know that it means that he's finally sleeping, and he mentioned that he hadn't been able to last night...

My temples are throbbing... And I want nothing more than to roll over and try to go back to sleep, but I take a few seconds to listen to the snores first... They're too loud, and it's likely that they'll keep me from actually being able to really going back to sleep in any meaningful way... But it's a sound that lets me know that even if he hasn't fully forgiven himself, he's at least relaxed enough to get some rest finally... He let himself let go just enough to let his eyes drift shut after a night of worrying because he knows that I'm right here safe in his arms... 

He never hesitates to let me know how much he cares about me... And I know that if I ever want anything... Anything at all, that he'll get it for me or give it to me with no questions asked... He's more than just my mate... Silas is the person I'm closest to in this whole wide world and when things aren't right between us, no matter what it is, it feels like all of time sits still... It's overwhelming, and it's too much to ever bear for long... We always do our best to make things better again instead of letting things fester, even if we have to take a breather first like last night... We made sure not to go to bed mad and then laid down, and I asked for my space which he gave and didn't raise a fuss about...

He had given me my space even though he himself had wanted the opposite, and it makes me appreciate it even more that he still let me be... Which is why I make sure to wiggle myself extra close to him, even though my ears are ringing with how loud his sleepy grumbles are...It hurts... But feeling me pressing up against him seems to make him adjust himself just enough to cut off some of the loudest snores, both of us happier, him being able to hold me closer, and me, being able to shut my eyes to a quieter version of our darkened room not necessarily ready for more sleep, but ready to put my thoughts out of my mind and focus only on the feel of Silas's chest pressed into my back and the feel of his palm resting over my belly right where our baby should be.