Thicker Than Ink

Sixty

It had taken a while for Daddy to actually cry himself out... But once he had I had been greeted with the biggest bear hug he could offer after shifting back to his human half... Both of us still very much under the bed... His fingers still curled into my fur even now as I continue to lap at everything I can reach with my tongue to continue offering him comfort and support even though it doesn't feel like I can shift back in such a tight space... Not trapped in his arms... Not that I mind.

I don't think I could ever look at my partner in life hurting this badly and not give him as much love and support that I can, even if I went through the bad day with him... Because I know that he can and does do the same for me...

It's one of my favorite parts of our relationship... We both give... And we both take... We are both more than willing to just sit in here in our bedroom and hold each other while we cry so we can both find comfort in the fact that we're together... And that nothing is going to split us apart... No amount of bad will ever be successful in shoving a wedge between us in any real way... Not in any way that we can't work through at least...

We aren't perfect... But we're perfect for each other... Because the gods knew that Silas needed someone soft and sweet and caring and that I needed someone who makes me feel protected and safe and cherished... Both of us needing so badly to be loved...

So... Even if his grip is a little tight in my fur with how hard he's clinging to me as he relearns how to breathe without feeling as though every exhale needs to be a gut-wrenching scream that he tried so hard to keep to himself in his mind... His wolf's howl still haunting everyone in the house I'm sure...

I don't know if I ever will be able to erase the sound of his pain from my mind or even if I should even consider it, no matter how heavy it made my heart feel... It almost feels like maybe I should keep it in the back of my mind as a reminder to myself that as strong as he is... Even my loving mate has a breaking point... And that he likely needs more chances to be vulnerable than he's been taking lately... But I'm worried if I keep it in my head that he'll see it and constantly be reminded of today and everything that happened...

Some of his meltdown makes me feel guilty even though I try to keep reminding myself that there was no way that I could control the outcome of any of it... There wasn't a way for me to know that Mason was going to get shot or even that we would end up with me being fussed over at the clinic due to dehydration after the main chaos settled down...

There wasn't anything I could have done to actually control what happened today... And if I try to take the blame for any of it... I know that all it will accomplish in the end would be making Silas feel guilty over me feeling guilty enough to want to apologize for everything even though I know it's unlikely that anyone else will think to say it... Even as a comfort to him... But I'm wondering if maybe thats only because he keeps to himself so much... Maybe I'll be the only one who has a chance because I'm the only one who can get this close...

I know now is not the time to say it though... I need to wait for a time where he doesn't feel so raw and worn out and stressed... Where we can talk about it without so much pain digging into us both so that way he can understand that me being sorry that we had to go through all of this doesn't necessarily mean I'm taking more or less of my fair share of the blame if there is any blame to place at all other than on whoever the jerk was that shot Mason...

I don't have time to dwell on that right now though, as important as it is... Right now... My goal is to make sure that Silas is alright... And while I know eventually we will have to regroup in order to figure out what happened and if the ass with a shotgun is still around and actually trying to poach... Or if it was a one-off from Mason wandering too close to someone elses cabin or property and panicking from seeing the giant timberwolf in their yard.

No matter what though... It's a discussion that needs to be saved for when the sun is coming up, not when it's going down...

It's too easy to start letting my mind wander and circle the drain about how best to comfort and care for Silas while he's still so worked up... But when I actually manage to pause the sweet lapping I've been giving his nearest forearm... I realize that my sweet Silas... Has cried himself to sleep.

It doesn't matter that we're wedged under the bed with his legs and my hindquarters sticking out... It doesn't matter that we are on the floor, or that it isnt even that late yet, or that we'll probably end up waking up in the middle of the night sore as heck...

There is not a chance in this world of me waking him up.

He's exhausted and burnt out from the day... And if he needs to sleep... Then the only thing I want to do is curl up as close as I can to him so he can keep his hands in my fur so that it continues to bring him comfort... And let my eyes fall closed to join him in dreamland where I hope it's happy and not a repeat of the nightmare we just lived through.