Thicker Than Ink

Twenty Four

No matter how hard I try... Sleep stayed firmly out of my grasp... No matter how many times I rolled over after Addy asked for a little space I couldn't get comfortable... I couldn't figure out how to sleep without him in my arms... I couldn't figure out how to sleep knowing that I not only upset him but also triggered the mother of all panic attacks in the process at the same time...

Despite him telling me over and over again that I don't need to be sorry... That everything will be okay and that he just needed a little time to decompress and work the rest of his fear out of his system... I wasn't able to let the guilt go and I still haven't been able to let it go... My body giving up on sleep completely when I start to see the first signs of the sun coming up through our curtains... My legs being swung over the side of the bed after I sit up so I can wander into the bathroom and relieve myself, wash my hands and then reach for my toothbrush, my day apparently starting now before I've even properly said goodbye to yesterday... 

It's hard... Not being able to comfort him and kiss away the anxiety and the pain... And even harder to have to stay up all night watching him toss and turn and listening to all of the teeny tiny whimpers he gives... The nightmares that his anxiety created so vivid that it had been more than easy to watch them through our mental link and know that the fear found in his head may not have originally been put there by me but holy hell did I do the exact opposite of making it better or even easier to live with... 

I try not to think about it when I rinse my mouth out, but the toothpaste seems so bitter when it leaves my lips that my first stop after padding back into the bedroom and making sure that my sweet Bean is still resting kind of peacefully is the kitchen in search or something sweet to chase away the sourness that came to visit us last night and decided to stay awhile... 

I can't find it in me to really find something in the fridge for myself... But I do know that with me out of the room it won't be very long until Addy wakes up... And when he wakes up he'll need to eat before taking his vitamins... So as I pull out the eggs and the milk out before stopping to snag the berries that my sweet Angel had asked to get on our last grocery trip before turning to grab the bread and cinnamon from the pantry I tell myself over and over that everything will be okay... That he'll wake up a bit fussy but then he'll eat and take his new vitamins and then the two of us can talk about what happened... Maybe even finally take the leap of confirming the loose appointment we had scheduled with that therapist the other day so we can both get some help and start working on things before we welcome our tiny Nugget into the world... 

No matter if all we manage to do is talk and really break down and digest everything that happened last night from me reacting so extremely to Pop all the way to Addy's panic attack over me following Pop out the door to make sure that he understood not to ever invite himself in like that again...

Somewhere along the way today we will at least get the conversation started so we can figure out how to avoid having our days end like that again... Not that I think Pop will be showing his face here anytime soon after yesterday... Just that this is an opportunity for us to grow together and I know we need to take it... I've got to make sure that Pop can't rile me up so easy now that we have a kid on the way because I need to be a good role model... And I think maybe Addy needs to start unpacking the fears his parents left behind when they passed away... 

I can't be sure that there are very many issues there to unpack in general since he was so young when it happened... But clearly, there is a fear of being abandoned again and I'm not sure what I will ever be able to really say to put his mind at ease and assure him that I don't ever plan on going anywhere... That I don't ever plan on leaving him or our family... That I'm with him... And that I want to always be with him... That I want to make him french toast with berries every morning with butter, powdered sugar, and maple syrup on top every day just to see him smile... 

It'll be a long conversation but it's one that we need to have... I need my sweet Bean to open up to me just a bit... I need to know what he's thinking and how I can help... I need to make sure that he knows that next time, if there is ever a next time or similar situation, that it'll be different than it was last night... And that I'm still sorry... Especially for raising my voice when he was in Princess mode... And for not announcing that I would be back when I went after Pop... 

I know that it's only a matter of time before the guys get here and get to work... But honestly... I think Liam will have already put two and two together with Mason's scent still lingering around the front door that something went down last night... And he probably will expect me not to have my head where it needs to be to be handling power tools and equipment... He'll probably tell me to take my time and make sure that Addy and I are okay rather than forcing myself to work through the morning distracted... Just because he knows what it's like to have ups and down... Maybe more than anyone else I know with how he ended up with Casper... I know that my Beta has my back... And that I can take my time this morning... 

Because Addy and I being healthy emotionally is more important than any home improvement could ever be.