okay, before i begin this sad rant, i am not doing this so people can pity me or feel bad for me - i just need to get stuff off my chest because i feel like it.
alright, begin.
!!!!!!
so, maybe some of y'all know that i recently moved to a whole new area, like i don't know anybody - I am also a shy pickle.
it's three months into school and i have met people and i hang out with them during break etc. but i can't fit with anyone, i can't click. i was thinking about ethan's twitter video, how you don't need to fit in.
and i haven't felt that until now.
okay, so one of my other group of friends - i don't agree with most of the things they do.
i believe in women and female empowerment. but my friends don't think so much like i do. they are rude, I he of my friends i'll call her mary. during break this new girl came to hang with us whatever, and mary said something like 'tbh paris, no one likes you why are you still here?"
and today they were talking about this other girl and how she was weak and had a long giraffe neck.
my face had the smuggest most disgusted face just listening to them.
i was talking to one of my real friends about how friends are supposed to be the ones who fill your life with happiness and positivity and if they aren't doing that, i don't consider them my friend.
this group of friends - i hate the way they think they are. i hate how they act. this one girl, i will call her haley, she acts like she's everything - she acts like she is the top of the game she thinks she is higher then everybody else in the class because she is a dancer or pretty or skinny.
and i have to be her 'friend' and sure, we do have some good times together but i don't feel happy. i sit and let her and another friend 'lia' say i am not pretty, i am trash, i am fat and no worth anything - because no one likes me.
and i don't do anything about it. this other group of friends with paris etc. they are nicer people, definitely.
but i put on this smile this happy expression but on the inside, i can feel myself shrinking - tears flowing as listen to what they say about me. and even is they're joking you can't just say 'no offence or just kidding' and feel as if it makes things better - it doesn't.
i always feel sad, i always feel the need to cry or to lock myself away because i am worthless.
and i haven't felt so worthless so talentless ever since i moved.
but i keep my positive face so i can make others happy - because one person (me) who is unhappy shouldn't stop other people from being happy or smiling.
generally, if i came up to you and asked you how your day is and you think that's stupid, then that's fine. i was just trying to make you feel happy.
This one girl in my class is generally picked on for being weird or ugly. so everyday, i try and compliment her, and what makes me happy is she smiles. i don't agree with what the people in my class thinks about her because frankly, she is really pretty.
i ask her how her day is - hoping maybe I'd do something to help someone's day.
and sure this sounds like im faking it and i am not a sappy nice person but i try to be - and i wouldn't make up some story for self-pity.
have an amazing day - i will hopefully update tomorrow sorry i am slacking
