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t h i r t y o n e » s h e m o m e d j a m o

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— shemomedjamo —
(v) to continue eating past the point of being full because the food simply just tastes so good
origin ; georgian

february twenty fifth

We hold hands as we stand before mama's graves, my dad and I that is, and he starts a quiet prayer. He landed back in Florida only three hours ago and now here we are at nine am in the cemetery, decked out in all black. Today was another gloomy and melancholic day, it was dark, drizzly, cloudy. It didn't feel right at all, I had an unsettling feeling in my stomach and it bothered me to no end.

We stayed for a while, just in each other's presence, with my dad's arm over my shoulder as we both just looked down on my mom's headstone. He was relatively quiet and I didn't push him to talk to me. For now, I just hoped being here would be enough for him.

§

After my father deemed what was enough time spent at the graveyard, - though I knew he was just on the verge of tears and refused to cry in front his daughter - he drove me to Phoenix's before going his own way. And being the bloody workaholic he is, I knew he was going to his office. He'd go and look over paperwork endlessly like his life depended on it.

Though I had an eerily unsettling feeling inside me all day, I didn't think much of it - I believed it was just because it was February and that in itself is a dark time for me. So it came as more than a surprise, perhaps it was one of the most grandest shocks of my life, right after my mom, when Phoenix burst into the living room from the kitchen, eyes wide, pale faced. Immediately my smile dropped and all the happiness left my face. Something was amiss. He looked completely out of place, out of breath, amongst the rest of us being crowded in the living room, fooling around, playing a round of charades.

Which was ironic enough since my whole life is a charade it seems.

But when his eyes locked with mine, I saw more than just the overlying panic. I saw the sorrow, sadness, and desperation for me not to lose myself. And absolutely nothing could prepare me for what his words would be.

"A-Adrianna, it's your dad.

"He's dead."

My entire world came crashing down. I had no control over myself as I collapsed to the ground, sobbing and covering my face with my hands. My body went numb and I-I just didn't know what to think. Immediately, every single memory I've ever had with my father raced through my mind and I was going into overdrive. All the memories I have with him, from the moment when I was able to retain information, to this morning as I watched him near a breakdown. They all came crouching around me, trying to calm me down, but I was uncontrollable. I cried until I was hyperventilating. Until I had to sit up to catch my breath. I pulled my knees to my chest and cried painfully loud, looking down and refusing to meet their eyes. I was in shock, that much I knew, and I just did not know how to, what to do. He couldn't be dead, he was alive and healthy this morning.

"Ahhh," I cried, cradling my head in my hand as I felt a piercing stab. They all tried talking to me, I kept shaking my head, what words were I to say after hearing that? Until Phoenix came by my side. Until Phoenix picked me up in his arms and carried me away from the crew saying, 'you'll all talk to her later.' He took us to his room and he positioned us so he was up against the headboard and I was straddling his lap. I had no doubt my eyes were bloodshot and tumid, and that my face was blood red, but as I looked up to meet Phoenix's eyes, his cold and guarded aura was gone. He looked at me with tenderness and sincerity as he brushed a strand of hair out of my face and placed it behind my ear. The tears were unstoppable and though I tried to smile at him, it was nothing short of weak and wobbly.