What was Still is

Chapter 18: Ely

Today is one of the hardest days in my life, Hell the last seven days have been pure torture.

Billy and Joey have gone through something no parents ever should have to go through and today their tiny miracle was laid to rest, surrounded by the people that meant most in his parents life, people he never got to know.

The doctors still aren't sure what sent her into early labor, it progressed so fast that there was nothing they could do by the time she got into a room. She was high risk and this was always a possibility but as the weeks went by the worry of risk went back into the shadows, almost forgotten.

"You want to come back home tonight?" I hug James to my chest as everyone returns to their cars. James has taken up residence in Joey's guest room, she is determined to be there as they begin to heal. I stayed a few nights but I ended up back at home preparing for Isabelle's team to step in on some our meetings, unfortunately it means I've been working with Sarah too. I haven't told James because it seems like whatever was going on before was solved by the disciplinary actions handed to her.

"No she isn't ready yet" James's eyes follow Joey and Billy as the head back to the limo, taking queue we step in the same direction.

"James I know you want to be there for Jo, hell I'm handing over accounts to stay here for them. But I need you home, in bed with me, letting me take care of you" I'm truly starting worry about her. I can feel her slipping through my fingers, and every time I try to hold her tighter she slips further.

If James isn't at home with Jo she's at the studio sinking herself in her work. Her makeup line launches next week and they have perfected everything, we are set to fly out to L.A. Friday evening for the launch party Saturday night. We aren't even staying the whole weekend since Jo isn't going.

"I know, she's just not ready yet" she sighs and steps from my side. 

Frustration takes over my body, I rake my hands through my hair. Unable to convince my girlfriend to come home is taking its toll. My heart bleeds for Joey and Billy, truly but I need my girl back at my side. I hate that there is nothing to do to fix this whole situation. I'm watching everything slip away.

I hold the limo door for James as she climbs in sliding over for me to sit. I pull the door closed and the limo eases from it's resting spot taking us back to the church.

My eyes bounce across the view passing by the window, my elbow propped up on the window as my finger skates back and forth across my stubble.

Instinctively my other hand searches for James, she pulls back at the touch of my fingers.

My eyes close praying she comes back to me, I can't lose her.

Joey's eyes catch mine and she offers a weak smile her eyes sympathetic to our situation. She has so much on her plate the last thing she needs is to be worried about Jay and I.

I should be the one comforting them, they lost a baby, a part of them, their blood.

Losing James won't be the same and I do not pretend it will be but here I set pathetically looking and thanking Jo for that smile.

The church comes into view as the limo turns the corner, we prepare to exit as it pulls through the circle drive. No words spoken the entire drive, no glances other than the one I shared with Jo. Nothing.

As the limo comes to a stop the driver's door opens and closes quickly before he pulls open the door on James's side, I choose to exit through my side closing the door as soon as I realize that Jo and Billy are going through the opposite door.

I bury my hands in my pockets and walk away from the church, unable to deal with everything in this moment. Now I need a moment, I need to gather myself before I walk through those doors for lunch.