What was Still is

Chalter 26: James

Please touch me, please I beg in my head staring at those beautiful gray eyes, his small smile is timid. I cannot look away, I know he has someone else in his life, but when he looks at me like that I can't think clearly. 

Shaking me head I get up and turn to him, "Goodnight" he stands up and our body's close enough I can feel the heat coming off of him, at one time I would step back from the heat but now. Now I'm starved for it and it could be dangerous, instead I get up on the balls of my feet and give him a hug, "I can't wait for Saturday." I step away offer a small smile and then walk back to my room. I stop at the entryway to hall and place my hand of the frame use every ounce of courage to turn back and look at him. His hands are in his pocket but his eyes are on me. I offer one more smile before walking away.

I change and crawl into bed, as I lay there looking at the ceiling not sure what the hell I'm going to do. In any other universe what I built for myself I would be happy and satisfied, but now I'm not sure that my career alone is will make me completely happy. Something is missing.

Giving up I grab my phone and go through my pictures, I never could bring myself to delete pictures of me and Ely. Some of them are absolutely horrible and I hope no one sees them, but those are the ones I love to look at the most. Our smiles in those are genuine, in those our happiness is contagious, in those forever was guaranteed.

The soft wail of a baby wakes me, my phone still in my hand. When I check the time it's only two in the morning, plugging my phone into the charger and roll over and try to go back to sleep. Paislee's little cries have gone away, but I'm still awake looking out at the Austin skyline, the nightlife just coming to an end, I've missed this. L.A. never sleeps, not until the sun comes up and then those people go to work.

Rolling away from the window I try again to sleep, but no matter what I do it's not working. I grab my phone and scroll through stopping at Ely's name.  I wonder if he is still awake, before I can think I'm calling him on FaceTime.

I suck in a deep breath and wait, my finger hover's the disconnect and then Ely's face pops up.

"Can't sleep?" He is laying in bed, the sheets are new but it's still against the exposed brick.

"No, Paislee woke up a little bit ago, and she has a great set of lungs." I smile.

"No doubt, I can't imagine" his hand runs through his hair. 

"Why are you up? Did I wake you?" I pull the comforter up to my nose, to hide my smile.

"Nope I was actually awake" he leans forward from the wall like he is trying to get closer but we're on the phone there is no getting closer.

I don't say anything, I just watch him and he just watches me.

"Do you think.." I pull the comforter back down so he can see me, "Do you think this could of been us?"

His eyebrows furrow confused by what I'm asking.

"I mean us waking up to our baby waking up at two in the morning, could we have done this?"

"Jay, honestly?"

"Please." My voice is soft and scared. 

"I would of loved for it to be, but if it was with the James from two years ago... no that couldn't have been us" he says, his face falling.

I swallow hard, I asked him to be honest and if I was honest with myself I would of known that answer.  "Yea, you're probably right" I sniff and suck in the corner of my bottom lip and chew. 

"But" he lays back again, and the anguish that was on his face is gone.

I watch him waiting for what comes after the But.