What was Still is

Chapter 25: Ely

This little girl in my arms is perfect, those little pink lips puckered as she sleeps wrapped up in the softest blanket I've ever felt, her little fingers wrapped around mine. I wonder is she knows how much she is loved.

I can feel her step back into the room, I can always feel her, I wish the last two years have gone a different way. I wish she was mine, and I wish it was my little girl I was holding.

To be honest I don't think anyone could ever give me what I want unless it's her.

I finally give in and look at her, those beautiful emerald eyes peering back at me making me wish even more this whole situation was different, us.

She starts my way and I drop my eyes back to my goddaughter, I can't see her come to me. I can't stand to hope, wish, or even pray that she was mine.

Her smell wraps around us and my eyes close and a picture of her in that gorgeous gold dress standing up at the podium comes back to me, even across the room I could smell her, that was the last time I seen her until yesterday.

"Looks like she likes you" her smile wide when I look at her.

My eyes open and I smile, "yeah maybe".  My body swaying slightly, doing it on instinct. Jay's finger comes up and she brushes Paislee's little cheek with the back side. Her little cheeks lift and turn to her, "You want to hold her?" Nothing around us matters it's just us and this little girl.

Jay's big green eyes look at me, excited and scared all at once. But before I can tell her what to do Jo is there helping us transfer from my arms to James's. 

Her body starts to sway once Paislee is settled, James's face is lit up as she looks down at her goddaughter, "Hey there little peanut" she whispers so soft before kissing her forehead.

It's my turn to stand there and watch her, it's an amazing view, Jay would make a great mother. Her arms cradle Paislee's tiny little body just right, her words so soft as she talks to her. The longer I stand there the more this hurts to see, we could have had this. I want this with her but I don't know if she will ever want this, not after what Jo went through. I can't take it anymore and turn to walk away and there is Jo, she is watching us and her smile is all knowing, or at least she thinks it is. Billy comes back in with a cigar, "celebrate on the balcony with me?" He asks offering one to me. I take it and follow him out into the night.

"You know, I was so scared the whole time Jo was pregnant." He lights his cigar before offering me the lighter.

"I can only imagine, hell I was scared. After what happened the last time, every day I woke up and prayed you didn't call me." I chuckle.

"Yea, I didn't want to under those pretenses either" he turns to the railing and puffs his cigar. 

"So tell me, now the scariest nine months of my life is over, are you going to do something about this whole thing with James?" He turns to me giving me a drilling look, like there is only one answer so I better answer right.

I sit down and my head falls, "Billy I have no idea what to do." I look back at him, "I love her so god damn much it hurts that she is even here. Fuck, seeing her with Paislee makes me want to forget that the last two years didn't happen and take her and make love to her until she is pregnant." I shake my head knowing that sounds barbaric.

"I don't recommend that so much" he takes a seat next to me, "But I do agree that you need to take your girl back."

My head snaps at him, a little shocked.

"Don't get me wrong I like Casey and she will make some man insanely happy one day.... but you're not the man Ely." His head shakes, "No you're not, you want to know why?" He looks at me. I know he is going to tell me wether I want to hear it or not.

I take a puff from the cigar that has been burning in between my fingers, "Why?" Knowing he's got something insightful to say, he's been with Jo way too fucking long.

"Because dude there has only ever been one girl to make you happy, the kind of happy that lasts a life time. She's a tiny little thing next to you but she packs a punch when it comes to you." He is studying my face as he puffs his cigar again.

"It's about time you stop giving her space and you go in there and take back your life. I know you walked away for a reason, she needed to find this part of herself. I would say she has done that, don't you?"

I turn and stare at the night sky, the stars seem brighter tonight more than they ever have.

"What if..." I stop trying to collect myself before I say this. "What if she doesn't love me the same way I love her?" My voice cracks and I swallow trying to get rid of the lump in my throat but it only grows bigger with each swallow.

"And What if she does? What if she is wondering the same thing you are? Have you even talked to her for more than ten minutes?" I shake my head because I was barely even able to tell her about Casey before Joey and Billy got home with little Paislee. 

"Do you really want to live your life on a 'what if?'" His hand pats my back, "You don't want to look back thirty years from now with a wonderful woman who doesn't quite make you fully happy and wonder if you and James could be sitting there loving each other and watching the grandkids running through the front yard. You don't want to have to imagine a life where you were with her and not who ever is sitting there. No one else deserves that kind of life man" he stubs out his half cigar and heads for the door.

"What if you could have all of that with James, would you give up the chance to know if you could?" Then he pulls back the door and steps in closing me out here with my thoughts.

Am I willing to take the chance to find out if it's even possible?

I stub my cigar out and follow behind him knowing my answer.

I walk into the living room and it's just James sitting on the couch, she is staring at the tv but it's not on. 

"Where did they go?" I sit down leaving space between us.

Her head turns and her eyes are full of thought, "To put Paislee down and the Billy is going to help Jo take a shower. Bending down still isn't pleasant."

"Oh" I say looking back to the hall. 

When I turn back to her she is still looking at me, searching for what it is she is looking for.

My arm lays across the back of the couch, my fingers ending just short of her head. I could literally move an inch and our bodies would be touching.

"Jay" I look at her, and there is promise in her face, and I'm going to take advantage of this. "How about you come over to the loft Saturday? Let me cook for you, we can catch up." My fingers reach out for a piece of her hair strayed from her ponytail.

Her eyes drop and then meet mine again before she nods, "yeah that would be really nice. I was kind of hoping you still had the loft, it was really a beautiful home." She swallows and moves just barely closer to my touch.

"Thank you" I say itching to touch more of her but holding back because there is something I need to do first and it's going to require a bit of driving.