What was Still is

Chapter 40: James

"Open it honey" my mom says shoving a large envelope in my hands, it's from the University of Texas in Austin. All my life I wanted to be a Longhorn, I wanted to earn my right to wear the orange.

"Momma I can't, you." I shove it back to her. If it's a rejection letter I can't do this, I refuse to go anywhere else.

"Sweetheart, they wouldn't have spent money on a big envelope if they didn't want you. My sweet baby girl you are so smart, so beautiful, and full of life any school would be lucky to have you." Tears pool in her eyes as they fall down my face.

I rip the envelope open, tear the band aide off in one quick move, I take a deep breath and flip the page.

Dear Miss James Marie Edwards,
It is our pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted into the University of Texas in Austin....

The rest of the letter becomes a blur and the page is riddled with my fallen tears. Momma wraps me in a tight hug and holds me while I cry the happiest tears of my life, at that moment.

"Come let's get a picture." Momma ushers me to Joey's parents so that her momma can get a picture of us.

Jo's mom holds the camera up, "Say Longhorn" I hold up my diploma and my acceptance letter and momma puts an arm around me.

*click*click*click*

"I got you some good ones Shelby" Jo's momma hands back the camera.

"You look just like her, maybe a hair taller" Ely's voice pulls me from that day.

I laugh and sniff back the tears, "No, she made me put on heels that day. She said I had to, it was a special day and my sneakers weren't good enough. That's why I'm taller." I smile laying the frame back in the box. The picture shifts and I see the corner of a piece paper behind it.

I flip the frame and remove the backing, and there is an envelope. My name is scrawled across the front in my momma's handwriting. Tears fall from my eyes.

I turn it over and lift the corner, it gives way the glue losing its stickiness over the years.

To my baby girl,
To watch you accomplish so much in this day really made me take note that you are no longer the little girl running through the mud and painting her face with wild blackberries. Today I noticed you have blossomed right in front of my eyes, your pure talent in your makeup skills and your desire to rule the makeup industry is such a sight to see. I know you've worked hard to make it out of our little town and take the world by storm. I want you to know that I wouldn't change one thing about you and the life we have together. You think I'm lonely, but how can I be lonely when I have you. I know when you find this it's going to pull a scab off of a wound that you thought was healed, but I want you to know that no matter what I would never change all that we had. You were my everything James.
Last week after we went down to tour the campus and it was cut short because I had that crazy headache, I went to the doctor and found out why we couldn't get it to go away. If you're reading this then that means my aneurysm has done what they feared it would and even though I'm not physically here I don't want you to worry baby I'll be there for all the big moments in your life.
In the box that has my old jewelry box there is a little velvet bag, it has a beautiful pearl necklace in it. That is for your wedding day, it's your something old. You're Nana wore it on her wedding day, I wore it the day I married the man you called dad, so when it's your day I want you to wear it. When your daughter grows up and marries she can wear it.
I wish I could be there in person to see how beautiful I know you will be, and I would have cried as you walked down the isle to the lucky man who marries you. I would have wished you all the love in the world, and I would have had the talk with that man, it's only my job being both parents. It's something your dad should have done but I could have done it. 
The man who was your father would have been one proud Papa if he could see you. I want you to know he didn't leave you baby, he fought so hard but he completed his mission here on earth and then he went Home to watch over us. There are days I feel him here, there are days I wish he would come hold me, and there are days I wished he could see you like I got to. He loved you something fierce, there's no doubt that had he watched you grow up you would have had him wrapped around your finger. Don't ever think you walked this world not loved, I loved you for the both us. And the man you called dad, he loves you too despite his actions.
I want you to take a few moments for yourself after you find this letter, you do what you need to baby and then pull up your boot straps and move on. And whenever you need me you just put those hands together and you get on them knees and me and you will have a good old heart to heart.
I love you baby girl,
Momma

I cross my legs and sit down on the dusty concrete, tears fall and I lower my heat into my hands and do just what momma told me to. I cry for her, and for both of my dads. They should be here right now, they should get to see who I've become but more importantly who is growing inside of me.

"It's going to be alright baby" Ely sinks down next to me and pulls me into his lap rocking me as I cry for my momma, cry for her grandchild who she will never know, and even for Ely because he'll never get to meet her but more importantly I cry because I miss my momma.

After sitting there for what has to be an hour or so, the tears have dried and the shutters are mostly gone, I take just a few more moments to be in his arms. It's where I've felt the safest.

"Let's get going, I can go through everything when we get it to the house" I rub my hand under my nose and do what my momma said, pull my boot straps up.

"We still have to go and Kirk in half an hour" Ely grabs boxes and loads them into our new SUV. I'm becoming a good old fashion football mom, others may know it as soccer mom but in Texas it's a football mom.

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"Okay, see I went in and used that subway style back splash through the kitchen. And your cabinets will be the gray color you brought in. Now I know you were wanting a faux brick floor in the kitchen, and since this house doesn't have a crawl space I was thinking of scavenging a stone yard for good worn bricks and the laying a clear coat of epoxy down. This way you get the brick work but it isn't a pain in the ass to clean." Kirk pulls some examples on the floor idea and they are stunning, it looks like an old brick road but the sheen can be seen when looking at it just right.

"What about corrugated tin? Did you work that in?" I ask my eyes studying the drawings laid out in front of us.

"I'm working on it, I know you were thinking the kitchen or bathroom but I think it looks better here" He points to a drawing that was buried below the kitchen floor pictures. It's a beautiful mud room of the kitchen and the tin is an accent wall equipped with hooks for coats, hats, and what ever we think of. There is shelving on either side of a bench and the furniture is all made to look like reclaimed fencing.

"Oh my this is even more perfect!" My hands fly to my cheeks to keep my face from splitting with joy.

"How are we going to acquire some of these materials?" Ely speaks up.

"Oh that's the easiest part, I have a carpenter who has a giant shop full of old fencing and tin and Lord knows what else. He'll be who I contract out to to make the shelving and benches here" his finger glides over the pictures. "He will also be providing us the big butcher block that will be sunk down into the counters" he pulls back out one of the kitchen.

"Okay, what's the time frame?" Ely drapes a arm behind my chair and his for finger and thumb run over his bottom lip.

"This is the best part" Kirk's eyes brighten, "I've got two crews with a clear schedule for the foreseeable future so I'll have your house, weather permitting, before Miss James's baby shower." His smile touches his ears and those perfect teeth showing.

"What do you think babe?" Ely turns his attention to me.

"Kirk I couldn't be happier with what you have prepared for us here. You really listened to me and took my desires and brought them to life. The only change I want to make is the bathtub in the master" my cheeks flush thinking about the baths I've taken with Ely and I'm not giving those up. "The tub needs to be bigger than a standard and sunken into the ground some if possible." I realize I am dodging eye contact but I'm afraid if I look up at him he'll know what I want this change.

"Can do, I can have my crews break ground tomorrow. I'll have the blueprints printed up this afternoon. Do y'all want to be there for it?" His eyebrows lift, he is genuinely curious.

I look to Ely and smile, we share the same thought.

"Yes please."