What was Still is

Chapter 28: James

Today has been quiet compared to yesterday. No one had done anything but sit around the house and help with the baby.

I was kind of hoping that Ely would come over today, but Jo said he had to go out of town this morning. I've looked at my phone more times than I can count hoping maybe he had called or texted and I didn't hear it.

Jo is asleep in the recliner while I watch Netflix with the subtitles on. Billy had to run to the office and pick some stuff up so he could work from home for a little while until they get a routine down at least.

As I get up to go make me some lunch there's a knock at the door. Ely? I hope it's him but I don't have that spark that I always get when he is near.

Opening the door I see Whit, "Holy shit you made it!" She screams before realizing what she did and throws her hand over her mouth.

I smile and nod pulling her into a hug, I haven't seen her in two years. I kept bugging her about coming out to L.A. for a convention or conference but timing never worked out. Had she, I probably would have set her up with Parker.

Something in him would always make me think of Whitney. I don't know why or what, but in my mind those two are perfect for each other.

They are both so laid back, go with the flow. Neither of their personalities are super domineering, although I'm sure Whit would take the lead- she's a Texas girl, it's what we do. But I really could see them together.

"Where have you been?" I pull away and let her in.

"Jo didn't tell you?" I shake my head closing the door behind us.

"I went to Long Beach for coloring technique conference" her smile is huge.

"You Bitch! Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" I smack her on the arm.

Whit laughs as we make it back into the living room and sit down on the couch.

"Because, it was going to be a surprise but then Jo had to go and go into labor. And you took off before I could tell you I was there." She turns propping her elbow up on the back of the couch, her head in her hand.

"Yeah she barley got out what was happening and I was gone, luckily there was a flight that wasn't full heading to Austin when I got to the airport"

"It's okay, but I met this really cute guy while I was out there. We went out to dinner a couple times, nothing happened though. I know what you're thinking I see it in your eyes." She points at me.

"I have no idea what you are talking about" I laugh, and act innocent.

"Jay He is so cute! His brown hair is like the perfect shade of brown, his smile makes me feel so good in all the right places, and his eyes... oh my they are the prettiest blue but you really can't tell that they ar"

"Oh my God Whit! Is his name Parker?" I cannot believe this is happening, I've been trying to see her up with his forever and she goes out there once, on her own and meets him.

"Yea" She is looking at me like I've lost my mind. "How?"

"Parker Collins is my boss! I've been trying to get you out to L.A. to meet him for two freaking years." I tell her shocked.

"That's who you've been working for? How have you not snagged him up?" She stops as it hits her why I haven't dated Parker, her mouth presses in a line and she cuts her eyes back to me. "Sorry." She whispers.

"You do know we have been trying to set you up for years, and you kept shooting us down but no one knows you better than us." Jo adds in sitting up.

"Oh we didn't mean to wake you" both us looking at Jo.

"No I'm full" she adjust her bra trying to get comfortable.

We spend the rest of the afternoon chatting like sister, Billy brought back lunch for everyone and he took over baby duty.

The sun is low before we know it and the clouds have darkened as they come in. I haven't heard from Ely all day, I was hoping he would at least let me know what time to be there tomorrow.

"Where did Ely have to go I finally ask"

Jo and Whitney look at each other and my bounce between them, they know something and they aren't saying.

"What?" I ask sick of them talking through their eyes. Whitney's eyes drop her lap and Jo turns to look at me.

"He went to San Antonio..." why is that a big deal, why couldn't she just.. "to see Casey she finishes stopping my train of thought.

My face falls slightly before I catch it and shrug like it's no big deal. But it really is a big deal. I thought us setting up plans for dinner would be to talk about the possibility of us, now I see it was to gain closure.

"Jo I need you, Paislee is hungry and she doesn't like the bottle." Billy comes in bouncing Paislee as she continues to cry.

"Go" we wave her off and Whit stands, "I'm going to go any ways I'm exhausted and need sleep" she hugs Jo and then me before she leaves and Jo disappears to help Billy with the baby.

I'm left here thinking about Ely. I've lost him, and I have no one to blame but myself. I was so scared of him breaking my heart and I ended up breaking it myself.

I decide to get dressed and go for a walk, I need to think and I can't do it here.

I was so scared of love that I didn't see what I had in front of me. I didn't want to see because I thought if I didn't see it then when the time came it wouldn't hurt as bad. Ely loved me unconditionally for six years, he dealt with my fear, he was so patient with me and the snail pace our relationship moved, and when I finally agreed to move in with him he didn't pressure me for more. He was there at every turn and I ran away every chance I got until I left him for good.

I can't blame him for not wanting to work our relationship out. Casey was giving him what I never could, her heart. I broke his and mine that day when I left for California and never looked back. He never got the chance for closure because I wasn't there for him to get it.

A flash of light pulls me from my thoughts, I end up walking until the sky darkens and thunder rumbles in the distance.

Looking up I see that I didn't even notice the storm that has built over my head, I decide to head back before it starts to rain. I used my time back to Jo's preparing my heart for what was to come with Ely. I was stupid to think things could work after what I did, but when I laid eyes on him in the delivery room all of those 'scary' feelings made their way back from the dark abyss that I banished them to.

By the time I turn the corner to Jays apartment I am soaked and cold. I didn't mean to get caught in the rain but my heart had it's own battle going on and I didn't even pay attention.

The rain is coming down so hard I can't see very far, I can't tell find my bearings, I know I'm on the right street but I can't remember if this is the way I came from or if it's the opposite. Some how I got my self turned around trying to figure life out.

I strain trying to see, I'm not sure I've even gone down the right street. I thought this was the right one but there isn't landmarks that I use to know where I am. I turn back to look at where I came from looking for something to stick out, but nothing is sticking out that way either. I really need to down pour to stop, I need my brain to stop the 'what-ifs', I need my heart to quit hurting. I can't think straight.

When I turn back to keep going the way I was I see someone running in my direction. I'm glad I'm not the only idiot. Maybe they will be able to help me. The closer I get the more I recognize their stance, I know this person. He's calling out something but it's muffled behind the thunder and rain.

"Jay" the person coming to me is calling my name.