What was Still is

Chapter 27: Ely

Chapter 27: Ely

I drink up the last of my coffee, I didn't get any sleep last night, after Jay's call I stayed up and imagined what it would have been like if it were me and her spending our first night home with our baby. Could this have been us?  Her question replays over and over, but it's my answer that I keep coming back to.

If it had happened before Jay took off to L.A. having a baby would have tore us apart. There isn't a day that goes by that I wish we could go back before everything fell apart, but when faced with that question I didn't hesitate to tell her what I knew was the probability, and as much as I want to go back to to before everything fell apart it's becoming clear no matter what we wouldn't have made it. I loved James with everything I had, or so I thought. But in reality I was as much to blame as her. She was scared of love, she was scared of her feelings. I was scared of losing her to the point I asked and asked for her to move in with me. Even though that time was wonderful, I ignored all the signs in her.

The ring is back in the glove compartment of my car, if I had asked her to marry me before she would have felt trapped. She would have blamed me if her career didn't go the way she wanted it to. She would have ended up hating me if I had got her pregnant before she got what she wanted. She needed to be let go so she could fly, and I had to love her enough to know she would come back. I failed, I found comfort in someone else. Someone who I knew was a sure thing, because the truth is I wasn't willing to give up my career either.

My career was on the fast track to what I wanted, not because I was my father's son but because I worked hard for it. I worked every day in college for a degree that taught me what to do to succeed. But Jay worked on her business degree by day and she attended Cosmetology classes at night, neither of them giving her the straight answers on how to be successful in the world of cosmetics.

Jay success is because of her talent, and she showed that talent off everyday for years before someone saw the potential in her. Her dream of becoming a successful makeup artist and have her own line of cosmetics depended on her ability to read outside of the box, on her hands, and on her creativeness.

I don't think I ever looked at it this way before, because my head was buried in my own dreams in my career.  My dream was laid out in black and white, her's was muddy with all kinds of colors and she had to clear all of that away to find hers.

If you look at mine and James' life separate there is a clear difference. She grew up with tone parent, attended public school, was from a little town, they barley made it.

I grew up with both of my parents, in a big house outside of the city, went to a private school and never wanted for anything.

We are oil and water, but it worked for us before some how. I wonder if it would still work now.

The drive between Austin and San Antonio isn't bad, a few small towns along the way. There are great little outlet malls for shoppers, amazing restaurants for the foodies, and nostalgia for those seeking memories. I'm not any of those today, today I'm a man on a mission.

My phone rings through the car, Casey's name flashing on the screen in the dash.

"Hello?" 

"Hey babe, I just got out of a meeting and seen your text, you're on your way here? Like now?"

"Yea, thought we could go out to lunch. It's been a crazy couple of days." I stop myself before I say something I shouldn't.

"Sounds great, what time will you be here? I'll take my lunch when you get here." Her excitement is bringing out her accent.

"Like 35 minutes, it won't be too early will it? If so I can keep busy until you're ready."  My thumb resting on my chin while my forefinger runs back and forth along my bottom lip.

"No that's fine we can go grab brunch around the corner"

I blow out a breath, agreeing before ending the call. 

I have thirty five minutes of driving to change my mind, I have thirty five minutes before I change my life forever...

I pull into the parking lot and pay, it's steap because of the four hour limit, I won't need that long but it's the only place with a spot.

I park, open the glove compartment and look at the box holding the diamond engagement ring. It still sparkles with promise.

I had two hours from Austin to San Antonio to think about what I want in life, two hours to see this situation from everyone's point of view, two hours and not a single call or text from James.

It's now or never, my nerves are getting the best of me but I've wanted nothing more than a wife and family of my own so I take a couple of deep breathes and replay it all over again.

If I end things with Casey, who is willing to give me that family. She has talked about having a family for a little while now, and the image sounds so fucking good. Casey and a family of my own are right here, within reach. I'll end a sure thing, but if I go after James, who is so scared of life and love, she is scared to be that vulnerable with anyone after watching her mom go through a heart break. She may not can give me what I want most, am I really able to give that up? I didn't ask her to give up her dreams, but she's never asked me to give up mine either.

Being with James is like a breath of fresh air every time I see her, those eyes are bright enough to illuminate an entire room, and her laughter is the most contagious thing I've ever seen.  She is like a drug to my body, bad for me but yet I still am drawn to her when we are in a room together. Loving her was the easiest thing I've ever done, walking away from her was the hardest.

Now James has everything she could have ever wanted, but I can see in her that something is missing.  But I don't know if I could fill that void either.

My phone buzzes with an incoming message, when I look down I know what I have to do.

I grab the ring box and stuff it into my jacket and get out of the car.

If I want the family I have imagined in my head then I only have one option.