Mind of Steel | Part two | L.N.

LXXII

"So you aren't dying of cancer?" Cassidy asked. She was still pacing, but this time it was in Leah's living area and Elizabeth was at her hip.

"No, I just had a low platelet count," Leah explained as she wrung her hands out. After the race in Australia. She was rushed to a doctor there to check her for any serious signs of cancer, but when the scans and blood work came back. All they saw was her reduced platelet count, which cause her to have nose bleeds. Her nose was sensitive and the low platelet count cause her nose to bleed.

"Oh thank god," Cassidy let out a long breath. Leah looked up at her.

"We are going to have to prepare in case that does happen though," Leah reasoned. Cassidy paused her pacing just to stare at Leah.

"We are not having that conversation," Cassidy shook her head. Leah pushed herself off the couch.

"Cass, we're gonna have to, it is a possibility. the last year I've been living in my own bliss, but it's still a risk factor," Leah followed after Cassidy as she tried to walk away from Leah.

"Leah, we are not having a conversation about you dying!" Cassidy yelled at her. Leah stood there in front of her with a flat expression.

"Fine," Leah shook her head. "You know where my door is." Leah sighed as she walked over to her balcony. Cassidy watched her best friend walk away as tears formed in her eyes. She took a deep breath and walked out of Leah's house. Leah sat on the balcony until Lando came out.

"How are you?" He asked as he sat down next to her.

"Will you have the conversation with me?" She asked and looked over at him. She had tears brimming in her eyes, but they had yet to fall.

"Leah, I don't. You know I don't," Lando shook his head as he sat down next to her. "I don't even wanna think about that after the recent scare." Leah turned toward him one of the tears falling.

"Okay, but that's real, it's not a scare, it could really happen, you are going to have to be ready in case that happens," Leah wiped her own tears away. Lando stared at her for a moment.

"Leah, I don't ever want to live without you," Lando shook his head. His voice was barely audible. He thought if he spoke any louder his voice would break.

"I know and I don't want that for you either, but this is what I've warned you about, I tried to tell you before we got married, it's my fault and I'm sorry," She covered her face for a moment as she tried to control herself. She didn't know why she was crying. She wasn't dying. At least right now she wasn't.

"Leah," Lando gently wrapped his hands around her wrists. "Fine." He closed his eyes as she lowered her hand. "Fine, if it will make you feel better, we can," He took a deep breath and blinked several times. "But it can't be for more than a few minutes, 'cause I don't even like entertaining the idea of being," He took another deep breathed and swallowed the lump in his throat. "The idea of having to live without you."

"I'm sorry," Leah wiped her face once more as she cried. She hated seeing Lando like this. She never wanted to see him sad, it physically hurt her when she saw him upset. She hated when he didn't smile when he couldn't smile.

"Stop apologizing, none of this is your fault," He told her as a tear slid down his cheek. She sighed and wiped it away.

"Okay," She sat up and sniffed a little. "One thing I want to make extremely clear is that if I pass away and we haven't had any kids yet. I want you to move on, I want you to find happiness again, if that is with another woman that is fine," Lando shook his head. "I love you so much that I couldn't bare to see you unhappy. So if I do die, you will mourn and move on. you will keep our memories, but you won't linger, I'm not going to hold you back in death."

"And if we have kids," Lando's voice broke as he ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek as he tried not to cry. He hated this conversation dn he wanted it to end. No matter what she said he was going to ignore it. If Leah died. He didn't know how he would go on living. She was his everything. She was the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up, he dreams about their future together. She's on his mind constantly. She means everything to him. He can barely handle imagining not having her in his life. When he thought about it all he felt was pain.

"If we have kids," Leah smiled and wiped his tears away as more fell down her cheeks. "If we have kids, the same thing still applies, I just," She let out an unsteady breath so she didn't sob. "I just want you to tell them the good stories about me. Maybe not the reckless ones," Leah laughed a little as Lando tried not to sob. "You can move on even if we have kids, I would never hold that against you. If you are happy and our kids are happy, I would be over the moon." She laughed a little again. As he started to sob, but caught himself and shook his head.

"We can't talk about this anymore," Lando shook his head. Leah pressed her forehead to his.

"We have to," Leah breathed. Lando's whole body shook as he silently sobbed.

"Leah," He choked. "I can't. I can't," He shook his head and leaned away from her as he wiped his face. "Do you understand how much you mean to me?" He asked. Leah nodded as she smiled at him.

"Yeah, I do, but I want you to hear me when I say I'm happy when you're happy. That's all I ever want of you to be happy. It doesn't matter if it's with me or not," Leah told him as she rested her hands on either side of his face.

"If you die, it will break me," Lando whispered as he stared at her. Leah watched his face break for a moment as he looked down. "Please don't ever leave me, Leah." She smiled at him but bit her lip. She couldn't promise that. She couldn't and it hurt her. Seeing him cry about her dying. She knew the feeling. She's experienced it. She couldn't image losing Lando though. She was the last thing she had.  She knew how much she meant to him.

"I love you," She breathed and he looked up as he bit his lip and nodded.

"I love you," He struggled to say. She leaned forward and hugged him as she buried her head in the crook of his neck. She'd finally stopped crying. The two of them sat there until they both were breathing evenly and the sun was setting.

"We need to make dinner," Leah whispered as she leaned back. Lando looked at her again his eyes still slightly puffy.

"You are my whole world," He told her. "Know that." He told her as he kissed her forehead. She took his hand as he led her back inside.

It took a few minutes, but they slowly worked back into their goofiness. Leah had turned on a  few of Lando's songs trying to get him to dance with her while they made pasta. It took four songs but she had him dancing now. they were dancing and singing with each other like before. Leah knew the conversation was hard for him, but she had to tell him that. She had to tell him it was okay to move on. She wanted him to know that she would say that now when she was completely healthy. On a deathbed seemed more like a plea, but she hoped it never came to that.