My Sisters Keeper

94

MY SISTERS KEEPER

NINETY FOUR

Since Iminathi's birth I've noticed I've grown a love hate relationship with hospitals. The coldness and the smell of disinfectant make nauseous. I've been sitting here for almost an hour waiting for visiting hours to start. The doctors and nurses are busy doing their rounds.

"You can go in now." The guard says when the doctor is done with his rounds. I give him my bag and he searches to make sure I didn't bring any counterfeit stuff with me. I go in and she is looking out the window. She seems so so different. Growing up she was this super confident girl, she knew who she was and what she wanted. Even though we weren't close as most sisters were but she was the brave and sociable one. Everyone loved her. And then she grew up and just when we were getting close I was arrested and sent to jail. I guess now that I know everything, her getting close to me was just her own way of worming her way into my life and taking it over.

I got out of prison and the sister I knew had become so cold and calculating. She'd channeled her brave energy into things that wouldnt benefit her in any way. But then life can change in a blink of an eye. Right now the woman sleeping in that bed is a far cry from the brave and confident girl I used to know. She's so broken. I thought by now she'd be used to prison but I guess I was wrong.

"Hi." She quickly turns and looks at me. She smiles but the smile ends right on her lips, it doesnt extend to her eyes.
"Hi. What are you doing here?" She pushes herself up until she is sitting upright. Her wrists have bandages on them. I guess she cant hide them cause the hospital gown doesn't extend to her arms. Although she does hide it under the hospital blanket.
"The prison called me and told me you were here."
"They shouldn't have. I'm sorry they disturbed you." She's trying hard not to look at me in the eyes.

I pull up the chair and sit down.
"So how long will you keep doing this?" Her head shoots up and she looks at me.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you doing all these things. I get that prison is hard, heck I was there for fifteen years. I should know. You've been there for less than two years and you're already looking for an easy way out." Her forehead creases and her lips are parted like she wants to defend herself but then she shuts them again. "Amanda, you have two kids who still need their mother. They might be young but it doesnt mean they are stupid. What do you think this will do to them. Knowing that you chose death over them?"
"They deserve better."
"Of course they do. But you're still their mother. Nothing will ever change that. I can be in their lives as much as I can but I'm not their mother, I'll never be." She wipes the lone tear falling from her eye.
"I'm sorry."
"Saying the words sorry without any action to back it up is as useless as watching a car when it's raining. You've said sorry so many times and yet you keep doing these little things that make one wonder how honest and genuine your sorry's are."
"Nomonde I'm truly sorry....."
"Stop okay, just stop. Your need to put your big girl panties on and  face this head on. If I can do it then you can too. I know I havent come to see you in a while but I'm not going to come back here if you ever pull a stunt like this. If this pity party is what you want to be in for the next ten years then so be it. But I wont be here to cheer you on." She wipes her tears. At this point I'm not sure if those are real or she's just acting. But if she is acting then maybe she deserves an oscar.

"How is mum?"
"She's okay."
"She still wakes up at four in the morning to get her vetkoeks ready? She must be tired by now."
"No. She hasn't done that in a while. I bought her a house in Umhlanga. Right now she's just enjoying herself."
"You bought her a house?" I nod my head. "eMhlanga?"
"Well I prefer her being close to me. And since she wouldnt move in with us it was only right I have her close."
"She must be happy."
"She is. Except her boyfriend just died."
"Bab'Zwane?"
"You knew him? How?"
"I bumped into him one morning leaving the house. It was too early and I was coming from a party when I was in high school. Of course I couldnt tell mum about it cause that would have earned me a few strokes for sneaking out. I'm surprised they've been together this whole time. She must have really loved him." The guilt I thought was slowly dying away made a return. What if I've just taken away her soulmate?
"I guess so. I'm going to see the kids, would you like me to tell them anything?"
"I..... uhm..... I....." she sighs and runs her face with her bandaged arm. "Tell them I love them. And I'm sorry." I got up. "And Nomonde, I know it won't be easy to believe this but I'm truly sorry, for everything I did to you. I'll try my best, and I'll do better. I promise. If not for you then for my kids."
"I'm glad to hear that. But like I said......"
"I know, actions speak louder than words."
"Take care of yourself. I'll try and come see you as soon as I can."
"Thank you." I couldnt even give her a hug cause the guard was watching us.