You Broke Me First

Chapter 19

Tessa

"As I said the first time when I tried to explain you the story with Jules, she is my ex. I met her in high school, I really liked her." I frown when I hear this, because I'm not used with Hardin and other girls. "We decided to be... friends with benefits. At the beginning it was just this, but then... We started to be more than this. Everything was good until first year in college. We moved together and we were at the same college. But I started to go out with some bad guys and then everything was gone. They started to do drugs, at first, I didn't want to try this. But I saw how good they felt after this and... I wanted to try this. At that time, I considered that the drugs made you to feel so good. First years of college I got home very high. Once I wanted to..." I know he can't say this.

"To have sex with her?" I quietly say.

"Yeah... And I almost forced her, it wasn't me, the drugs inside me wanted this... Finally, I convinced her and we had unprotected sex... A few weeks later she came to me with a piece of plastic with two bright red lines... I freaked out and I had a bad fight with her. I did a research to the best clinic and I gave her money to abort the child. I said I will break up with her if she doesn't do this. And she loved me too much, so she aborted the child. A few days later, my mother saw that my account is missing money and I had to tell her about this... She was really mad at me and she decided to send me here because my dada is obviously more in control with me. I was transferred at the university where Christian is the dean and I started a new life here, in Seattle. I know I was a bad person, but now, I'm not the same as the guy who left from London. I'm a better person, with moral principles. That's why I am against woman abuse... because I learned a lesson from my past. If I have the strength to change my past, I would do this in the next second, but I can't..."

"Oh, God..." I can't believe what he just told me. I can't believe that this wonderful man, who saved me from the darkness did this. I know he is another man now, but... It's really hard to process everything.

"Tess?" He looks into my eyes. "Say something, baby."

"It's... it's hard to hear all of these things, Hardin."

"I know I was bad person before, but I change. Please, don't let my past to be in way to our happiness."

"It's hard to process it. Especially when I know you in this way: gentle, lovely, careful, good."

"Then continue to see me like this because this is how I am, baby. I'm not going to be back at my behavior from the past. You make me good, Tess. You get the best out of me. So please, stay with me."

"Let's talk about this tomorrow. Good night." I turn off the lights and I turn my back to him and I silently cry.

"Tess, please..." He touches my back. "Stay close to me, babe. We've been through a lot together and we have a chance to be happy together."

"It's hard to do this, Hardin. I'm not good for you."

"What do you mean? I am good for you!"

"I'm broken, Hardin! You can't see this?"

"No, don't say that. You are not broken, baby."

"It's been more than a month and I'm still scared of your touches. You can't see that every time you touch me, I wince? It's hard to be like this. Because I love you and I want you, but I can't keep you with me without giving you everything."

"I don't need anything from you, Tess. I just want your love and it's enough for me. I'll be patient and I'll wait until you are ok. Let me be with you, let me feel you pain, let me feel your feelings. Don't push me away. I want to be with you, I want to be yours and I want you to be mine. Please, baby..."

"You still want me after everything?" I look at him with tears in my eyes.

"Of course, I still want you. I always will want you."

"I love you Hardin." I put my hand on his cheek.

"And I love you, Tess."

"I want to go to therapy."

"It's good. It's ok, it's normal. It's not a strange thing to go to the therapist."

"I want to forget everything. I want to be me again. I want to be normal."

"And you will, I promise. I promise to be with you at every step." He kiss me. "Good night, love."

"Good night."

The next morning...

I wake up with a terrible nausea. I unwrap Hardin's arms from my wait and I run to the bathroom to throw up. A few moments later, I hear the door opening and I feel him grabbing my hair up.

"I'm here, baby." He rubs my back.

"It's gross to see me like this." I say as I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.

"And what? I said I will be with you at every step." He lifts me up from the floor and he takes me back to bed. "Do you need anything?"

"Water."

"I'll be back with you water immediately." He kisses my forehead and he leaves.

This nausea thing is not something normal. It never happened to be sick without fever and cough. But this nausea... I can't think what's happening. Or... no. no. no. This can't be true. I can't be pregnant. But what if I am? I wouldn't know who the father is. What if it's Trevor's? But what if it's Hardin's? Last time when we had sex, we didn't use protection. So... I hope it's his if I am pregnant. These thought are interrupted by Hardin when he comes in the room with a bottle of water.

"Thank you." I say as he hands me the water and I drink some of it. "What time is it?"

"Almost 8am, why?"

"Shit. I'll be late for work."

"And you really think I'm going to let you go to work in this state?"

"Yes. Ana needs me."

"You're staying home. You are sick. Ana will understand this. You are pale and I don't want you to end on a hospital bed after you work. And don't fight with me, okay?"

"Okay." I sigh.

A few days later...

I'm finally feeling better and Hardin let me to go to college and to work. It was nice to attend classes because I forgot about my problems. After four hours, I got to work. But before to get inside, I went to the pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test. I have to know if I'm pregnant. When I arrive at work, I see Ana and Christian.

Tessa: "Hello, I'm sorry for being late."

Christian: "Hi, Tessa. How are you feeling? Ana told me you weren't feeling well."

Tessa: "I'm good now, thanks for asking."

Ana: "I'm glad to hear that. Christian, it's time for you to leave. We have a lot of work and you are in our way."

Christian: "Okay, okay." He kisses her. I love their relationship and I hope me and Hardin will be exactly like them in the future. "I love you."

Ana: "I love you."

Christian: "Bye, girls!" He says and he leaves.

"Let's go to my office. I want to talk with you about the last resume."

I follow Ana in her office and we start to work. After a few hours, we're done. But before to go home, I want to do that test. I walk to the bathroom, I take out the test, I read the instructions. I take out the piece of plastic and I try to not cry.

C'mon, Tessa! You can do it. You just have to pee on the damn plastic. The hard part comes if there will be two lines. I finally pee on the tests and I have to wait for a few minutes. Let's hope for one line.