The Light House Girl.

Chapter 51

The one person I always wanted to punch brought out the words I have been rotating in my mind for a few days now. But somehow never got the opportunity to say or had the courage to say. Maybe all I needed was to get angry. That's so me! Is it good? I don't know. Is it bad? I suppose not. Since even if it was my pissed off stance brought out what was on my mind for the past couple of days. I am just glad that I was able to say it. Because had it been a normal occurrence, I would have definitely lost my fucking tongue. I mean in my mind I started referring to Ade as my mom. I am not there yet to call her that, but probably soon. At least now I can say or think that I am living with my mom. Not just with Ade. Which to me is a huge, huge development on my part. Then again, I should not be judging myself now, should I? After all I might just be a tad bit biased.

Ade came over to me and hugged me. Well not exactly hugged me per se. She held my shoulders in a firm grip, I was sure she would hug me, so I opened my arms but was halted by her holding me. She is now looking at me with such care and love in her eyes I have never seen anyone look at me like that. It just about melted my heart, gone are my anger, my sarcasm, everything that held me together, I guess. As almost instantly I felt myself break down. Not literally but the tears I started shedding might say otherwise. But what I meant to say was I felt it broke a wall in me. A wall I didn't even know I built. She still held me firmly while I cried. By now I am crying as if a fucking fountain broke, like somebody burst my pipe and water is coming out my eyes in huge amount. I was just hoping it was only from my eyes that water was coming out. And my nose is not involved. As that would be a bad scene to witness. And I have a few witnesses here now. Ade is also crying now too. But none of us are moving. And somehow to me it felt neither is the world. Or we might just be stuck in our own world. Me stuck with my mother. Never thought it was possible. Me crying used to be a rarity but me within arm's reach of Ade, my mother is whole new level for me. And apparently there is no stopping my pipes for today at least.

Ade finally hugged me. That only brought out sobs out of both of us. Somehow. I think Ade couldn't quite believe what she heard. I am only assuming for the weird holding me instead of the hug. Because Ade always hugs me, gives me bear hugs. But not now. This time the hug came really late. And this hug is definitely different than any of the hugs I have ever received from her. How can hugs be different? Well this one seems to speak to me. Not in words but emotionally. Like it is connecting us, or it did connect us. A connection I never felt before.

The thing I thought I would feel when Ade told me 'I love you' for the first time, I didn't feel. That might just be because of my messed-up emotions due to Krystal. But still it made me feel weird. Because I remember my weird daze when Ryan said those words, and how I wished to hear them from Ade and Jane. Yet I was left with no such daze. Nope. None whatsoever. I did feel a cozy, warm thing. But it was missing the connection I was expecting to feel. Whereas this hug solidifies the connection, which is buzzing around me, between us, when I referred to Ade as my mother with actual words.

I am pretty sure we were both lost in our own little world for a while now. Ha-ha our own little world. Funny how even thinking that now makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and gooey inside, like a roasted marshmallow. Probably a bad reference but that is all I can think of right now. Marshmallow. Stupid, fluffy, gooey marshmallow.

I did not want to let go of Ade's embrace and she didn't either. But people had other plans I suppose. Because we were separated from each other only to be separately engulfed in hugs again by the rest of the people. Everyone hugged me and Ade, except Jane. It made me feel bad a little. But that did not last as Jane almost lifted me off my feet as soon as everyone sort of dispersed. Ade started laughing at Jane trying to lift me off. Even if I was not in air, I loved the gesture. Guess she was waiting to give us the biggest hugs possible. She did to me. Is it weird that I felt connected to her as well when she hugged me? Like her hug felt different as well. Maybe. Well whatever it is I loved it. I love being hugged by these two. I love being hugged now period. Never in a million years did I think it was possible even last spring. These few months certainly changed me a lot. Changed something in me as well. Hopefully for the better.