It's Just Another Kill || ✍︎

5. | cross country runner.

Livvy Grant

Paper. Lighter. Fire. Hand.

Four words, only four. But at this moment there are very powerful words.

Marcus watches me. He watches me very observant of what I am doing. He watches my every move, trying to see what I am doing next.

'Everything is a clue.'

The words ring in my head. After that final message was fired off by the boss. Whoever this boss is. I can't seem to get them out of my head. It confuses me, I'm never confused. I can usually make my way around life and figure out what to do in any situation. But ever since the moment Marcus Hudson walked into my apartment, all I have ever been since then is confused. It makes no sense in my mind, why would he show up to kill me? But at the same time holding the knife up to his throat like that filled me up with energy.

He's still watching me, he walks around in slow circles trying not to disturb me. I'm sitting under a tree in the back of a park. No one walks back here so it's dead silent. All you can hear is the whispering of the wind and the rustles of the leaves. For it being September, it's pretty hot outside. I speculate the weather will cool down soon and everything will go back to normal. Well at least everyone else will go back to normal, I won't. But I won't mind.

I like this new normal. This new me. But it's not a new me, it's still the same person with a different outlook on life. This version of me has an outlook on life the other version didn't. It's hard to describe even to myself.

Why is eating difficult for me? I wasn't perfect. It's a really simple answer. I wasn't perfect.

I wasn't over nor underweight when it started, but something in me told me I was. So I didn't eat one meal, one turned into two, two turned into three. I was 14 when I was diagnosed. I got treatment, but when the hell does the treatment actually work. I was a freshman in high school that was scared of the world. I knew no better. When my 'legal guardians' used to scream at me for not doing chores or the laundry, they always used to tell me one thing only, and one thing only.

"You don't know how dark the world is, you have to be independent or you'll never survive!"

I know how dark the world is. I know how scary it is.

When I met Elijah, he told me that I was perfect all the time. It made me feel like I actually was, so I stopped starving myself and started eating here and there. After he cheated, I couldn't help but compare myself to Bri. The person I thought was my best friend. She really was perfect if I think about it. Blonde hair, tan skin, blue eyes, and she had the perfect body. I didn't have that. He liked blonde girls, not girls with black and brown hair. He liked girls who were thin and were a perfect size. I wasn't like that. He wanted the perfect girl, I wasn't perfect.

I was 'good enough,' that's all I was. So I didn't eat again for a while. The day before I left I passed out because I hadn't eaten in two days. I got up and ate some food and felt fine. I got yelled at again to the point where I was crying. I stole their car and left. I couldn't stand it there anymore.

"You're going to burn yourself," Marcus's voice brings me back to the present.

I don't even realize I'm turning the lighter on and off till he says something.

"Thanks for the help," I say back.

"No problem Rookie," He says. "No problem at all,"

I roll my eyes and look around the tree for a stick. I need to find one to light on fire and then throw it on the piece of paper.

There's one sitting by his feet. I walk over to pick it up, but he does before I can.

"Do you want this?" He asks, looking at the stick.