It's Just Another Kill || ✍︎

45. | drunken smile.

Livvy Grant

If I'm being honest, I think my boyfriend is starting to fall out of like for me.

I mean I'm falling out of like for him too and I guess I've been distancing myself recently and that's not all his fault but he could've asked if I was okay.

I hate asking for stuff, I just hate it so much. But after Elijah, I don't put my guard down and I've learned that a relationship should be beneficial for both people, not just one side. If you don't ask, you're not even going to have a chance at getting something you want.

It's not like I want to break up with him. If anything I want to stay with him. But I'm not going to lead him on, not when I was stuck in a room with Marcus Hudson and I suddenly realized that maybe he's a tad good-looking.

I mean I tried to I swear, I tried to tell myself that it was just a movie crush. You see the person once in the theater while watching the movie, you find them cute, you leave the theater and then boom you're back to thinking your significant other is the best-looking person you've seen.

This is what I tried to myself for ten days. Ten days after the lockdown. For ten days I told myself that it was nothing but a movie crush.

But that's all bullshit, and I'm not going to deny it. I would rather break up with Jacob and let his feelings disintegrate than lead him on and let his feelings build up. 

Not like he has all the feelings he had at the beginning of our relationship.

My alarm blares again and I turn to the side shutting it off as I groan. I hate mornings, especially today.

I just know I have a day ahead of me. I told Jacob that we need to talk and he said "of-course" hell knows what that's supposed to mean but I'm currently dreading it.

I finally pull myself out of bed and head to the bathroom to take care of business. I brush my teeth and throw on some sweats and a random white tank. I brush my hair and throw it back into a half-up half-down hairstyle with a claw clip.

I walk into the kitchen and stare at my fridge wondering what I should eat.

My top is cropped today, meaning I can't eat much.

But I can throw a jacket over it covering up my stomach. But then that means that I can't show off my figure, which was the intention when I bought this shirt.

No. That's not fair, just eat something. I deserve to eat. I deserve to eat I deserve to eat.

I chant those four words repeatedly as I pour myself a bowl of cereal. I put the box back on the counter and get the milk out of the fridge pouring the milk in as I open the YouTube app.

I find a video from a creator showcasing her morning routine and what she does. I'm hoping this distracts me from the amount of sugar I'm about to take in.

I sit down at the counter and start eating before a text notification pops up.

fitzley<3

f: hey, are you mad at me or something?

f: we haven't really talked in the last week.