It's Just Another Kill || ✍︎

44. | silver chains.

Marcus Hudson

*TW: slight mention of child abuse and eating disorders*

I would say I'm one to have a high pain tolerance—everything after Charles kind of helped that.

But it still pains me when I watch someone have a panic attack. When I first started having them I was scared that if anyone touches me while I was having one I would transfer the pain to them.

So I always just stayed away from people when I had one.

In all honesty, I'm really fucking scared right now, like really fucking scared. Part of me wants to jump in and save her from this, but the other half wants to just calm her down from a distance.

That same part is telling me just to ignore it because of how she ignores me one day and then is sweet the next. The angel and the devil on my shoulder are about to have a fistfight.

As much as I want my absurd thoughts to win, I can't fucking leave her.

We might not be on the best terms at the moment but I still care if she's in pain. And god knows that I out of all people know what that pain feels like.

It's been a minute since I noticed she was crying and hyperventilating but she hasn't raised her head or anything she's just sitting there hopeless.

"Livvs," I say softly walking over to kneel down next to her. "Livvs, look at me,"

She turns her head to the side slowly and I can tell she's struggling to breathe. I try to focus on everything around us other than the sound of her whimpers.

"Hey Livvs," I say sitting criss-cross in front of her. "Did you hear about the dance they might do in February? Valentine's day one?"

She shakes her head as she tries to lift it up slowly.

"It's around your birthday, maybe we can go get a dress for you," I say trying to pretend she isn't crying in front of me.

She lifts her head up and leans it back against the wall still shaking and crying. Her breathing is coming out so shakily that it's probably hurting her. There's a different type of fear in her eyes, not a fear that she isn't going to get rid of this attack, but a fear that I've never seen her have before.

And that's when it hit me, the reason she looked so sad when I called her Livvy. It's different.

As far as she knows, I call her rookie no matter what, Mon and her are very close, Jacob and her are dating and he's the sweetest, (in her eyes) and she kills for a living.

In the past three weeks, everything has changed for her.

Jacob's changed, Mon is distancing herself from Livvs, and I just pulled her final straw, I called her by her name. The only thing that's the same is the killing part.

Everything is changing under her feet and she's just starting to realize it.

"Marcus," She says, struggling to get the words out. "I can't breathe,"

"I know," I say rubbing her arm in a comforting manner. "You're going to get through this,"

"No, I'm not," She says controlling her voice. "I'm literally so fucking claustrophobic and there's no way out of here,"