It's Just Another Kill || ✍︎

47. | a very merry christmas spectacular | BONUS CHAPTER!

Brooks Mason

Mentions of depression and SAD

The worst type of exhaustion is when you get tired from socializing. If we haven't noticed, the holidays aren't the best time of the year for me.

Every year after sixth grade it was the same old thing. Wake up, eat, get ready, get yelled at, sleep away the pain, get yelled at, paste on that fake smile for family, watch a movie, eat, and sleep.

It was the same thing every year. And it led to my winter depression or SAD.

SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder or more commonly known as winter depression. I think it's more commonly known as that because it happens to most people in the winter.

My parents would become more stressed in the winter, so instead of talking it out, they would take everything out on me. Which of course took a toll on my mental and physical health.

I got officially diagnosed when I was fourteen. Doctors, therapists, family, friends, basically everyone told me to just go have fun with friends. They all acted as if it wasn't the end of the world. But to a fourteen-year-old who was constantly stressed and trying to make everyone proud and always trying to be picture-perfect. It was the end of the world.

I mean don't get me wrong. I tried as hard as I could. I tried every damn day to get rid of this.

Pills and more pills, music, TV shows and movies, reading, journaling, and therapy lessons. I tried everything I could think of, and nothing worked. Years later I just do the same thing I learned to do.

Fake it till I make it and let it all pass. Eventually, it will all pass and it will be spring again and I will be somewhat okay again. I mean no one's ever fully okay, right?

The phase usually lasts from the beginning of December to the end of February. Then I'm usually okay with an occasional nightmare and depressive episode here and there. Then it usually comes back around summertime. Ironic right? You would think since my phase starts in Winter it wouldn't happen in the Summer but no.

Feelings are one thing I hate talking about. I hate coming to terms with myself that I am not okay. I usually keep everything to myself until I can't handle it anymore and then go AWOL for a few days.

It's not healthy, I know. But what am I supposed to do? Dump all my trauma and feelings on someone? Hell no.

I can't talk about myself. I can't express myself. I don't know how to tell someone what type of person I am. I just can't do it. So I keep everything in. Hidden. Tucked away in a little box in the back of my brain that doesn't see the light of day for months.

I don't know why I thought this year would be any different. It doesn't matter if I have great friends, talking to the most amazing girl I've ever met, that I'm making good money doing something that I can easily take all my anger out.

SAD washes over me like a wave and then keeps washing over me for months and months as I drown. I drown in the constant fear that one day I won't appear above the water. I drown into the fear that something or someone will keep pushing me under the water until my lungs and heart fail me.

I think that's why I am terrified of drowning.

I roll over on my side and face the TV staring at the ground trying to find the strength to make it another day. I sigh and move my hand to grab my phone to quickly check to see if I got any new text messages from Evie.