I dont wish I was better, truly I dont know much more I could do to be better
I do just wish I was enough
People say right person, wrong time
I dont think there ever could be a wrong time for the right person
So what if there simply isn't a right person for everyone
What if there isn't a right person for me?
To settle would be a disappointment to me and them
But to keep waiting would be a delusional dream with no true happy ending,
I know this story doesn't have a happy ending
Ive seen the possible outcomes and none seem to work for me
Well, I dont have a choice wether they work for me or not
But none seem to make me happy
Then again, if that's all I've ever wanted, to be happy,
Then it makes sense that me dream is simply a delusion
How could I ask for something so selfish such as happiness?
Ive stopped wanting to help others
Stopped wanting to build a family and be there for those that need me
Instead I've only wanted things that would benefit me
Is this self love? is this being self centered? Is this being who everyone really wanted me to be?
Im not sure anymore
Im not sure ill be okay anymore
There are so many options and all I have to do is pick.
Just pick one.
Any one.
But what if I pick the wrong one again.
What if I keep picking the wrong one just like I have been?
Then what am I supposed to do?
The 20's are the workshop years to be able to mess up, but im halfway done and im just a mess
Why couldn't I have known better?
Why did I have to rebel and try and be different?
Why couldn't I have been honest and shouted at the top of my lungs that I AM SCARED
I AM SCARED TO END UP ALONE
IM SCARED TO MESS EVERYTHING UP
IM SCARED TO BE LIVING A LIFE I DONT WANT TO LIVE
AN UNHAPPY LIFE
A LIFE WHERE I AM NOT ENOUGH
WHERE PEOPLE COME AND GO AND TAKE AS THEY PLEASE AND LEAVE ME TO BE
Please
I just want to know who to be
They never taught me this in school
Math, chemistry, the works of Edgar Allan poe haunt me
And yet, none of this can tell me who to be
