I wish I was enough
Growing up I always tried to be someone else, anyone else really,
So long as they, or I, meant something to someone.
I disguised these changes in the name of growth,
people change it's only natural.
But when did I cross the line from maturing to man-made?
Self love to lack of love and beauty to compliance?
I can't look at myself without first seeing my insecurities, or get dressed in the morning while looking in a mirror because I don't recognize myself.
I was never enough for you in any way,
so I changed to fit your mold and what you loved to see in others but never in me.
The models you'd send me, the girls in the stores, the ones you'd turn your head to look at even with me by your side.
I knew what you looked for in them so I raised the hems on my skirt a little bit higher and made sure my meals were a little bit lighter.
Why was I not enough?
I wanted to be, and I tried to be, but I wasn't enough for you or for me.
So I'm left in therapy wondering why and trying find a way to accept myself,
The self that I don't know and I've really never met because all that I've done is try and change myself for everyone else.
Yet I still look in the mirror and say, who will I be today?
I can't blame this on you, my mistake was simply loving you more than I loved myself and how could I be enough for someone when I don't know who I am.
So I wish I was enough,
but not for you or anyone else to come.
Barbie can have a million careers, outfits, and styles,
but I am not a doll made to be dressed and changed to the liking of anyone who plays with her.
I would like to find myself some day.
12/15/2020
