Call Out My Name|| Tom Kaulitz

don't be so quick to walk away.

Pearl

Without thinking too much on it, I grabbed my car keys, with the tears that made it almost impossible to see where I was putting my feet.

I ran to my car, I turned it on and I drove off as fast as I could.
I didn't know where I was going at first, I didn't have somewhere to go, - I knew I had no other choice but to stay at the twins' place, but I was starting to wonder if I made to right choice to leave my house.

I was completely alone: I didn't have my parents, I couldn't trust Tom and honesty I didn't know if I could trust Bill either.
I was disappointed in myself more than anybody else, for letting yet another person hold my trust in his hands to crush it seconds later.

I promised myself that it would've been the last time so many times, yet the last time never came, - I would still put myself in the hands of people who didn't have my best interests at heart.
I kept on wanting to show others that I was someone worthy of love and affection, and every time I was proven that I was not.
I couldn't take it on anybody else anymore, I knew the end but I still kept on reading the same book, hoping that somehow it would have changed.
But nothing would've ever changed, I would always be the same little girl, locked in her room - scared, hurt by the world that surrounded her, afraid by the awareness that no matter the amount of effort she put it nothing would've ever changed, and she wouldn't have changed either.
That girl knew that she was just a crumb of sand that would've been swept away at the slightest blow of wind, no matter how strong and invincible she presented herself.
I felt like I was nothing, like I was worth nothing.

I decided to take a small side road that led to a park which stood up in a hill that wasn't excessively high; I liked staying there, it was always silent and cooling.

I parked the car in front of the park and started to run up the hill that, as usual, was deserted.

Once I reached the top of the hill, I laid on the ground, watching the sun slowly set as it was already 8 p.m. at that point, and I took one of my cigarettes out.

I looked at the half empty pack, sighing, as I knew I was starting to smoke too much and I was spending way too much money on cigarettes, and I promised myself that I could've stopped whenever I wanted to, but deep down I knew I was already addicted to nicotine since I was barely 18.

I stood frozen staring at the sky for at least half an hour, letting all of my thoughts flow, but this time I didn't want to stop them, I needed to feel them all.

At what seemed to be the 60th call from Bill, I decided to call him back a few minutes later; I still didn't feel ready to hear his voice but I knew he wouldn't have stopped calling, and my options were either call him or turn my phone off.
But I knew that if I turned my phone off Bill would've panicked, and I didn't want to scare him.

When I looked at my phone I saw the 20 missed calls from Tom, and his 57 messages, all saying the same thing: he was sorry, it was not what I seemed, begging me for another chance and to let him explain how things really went.
I decide to completely ignore his messages, - I didn't really care about his explanation.
It's weird how long it takes to build trust in someone, and how quick it takes to destroy it.

I packed up the courage and decided to call Bill back, because my other option was to sleep in my car or on that hill.
The idea, actually, gave me some sense of relief, - I imagined myself laying on the grass, while the cold wind slightly caressed my hair.

Bill picked up immediately, without giving me the time to say a single word.

'Pearl, please tell me where you are. We need to talk', he said, and in his voice I heard the tears that he must have shed, and I began to feel guilty, again, for stepping in between his brother and him, making him chose between me and him.