Call Out My Name|| Tom Kaulitz

all of this love is toxic.

The next morning I woke up early, essentially because I couldn't sleep the entire night.

It was 6 in the morning, and even if it was way too early, I got up to go to work, so I could distract myself for a few minutes.

However, I immediately understood I wouldn't have been able to go, as I had a terrible headache, nausea, and I felt like I just got hit by a truck.
I picked up the courage and decided to text my boss, who was always understanding to me, telling her that I wasn't feeling good, and that I couldn't come in.

After sending that text I walked towards the bathroom trying to pull myself together, in case I actually had to go.
I washed my face with cold water, in hope it would've deflated my eyes and lips, showing my crying of the night before.

I couldn't find the words to describe the way I was feeling, I felt even worse than betrayed.
I thought that maybe I would've have preferred being cheated on by him, it would've hurt less.
I felt like he took a part of me, of my past and my story, and stole it from me.
I've always been used to being diminished and not taken seriously in my life, whatever I said or expressed was never a great interest for anybody, and my thoughts were always considered ridiculous.
Therefore, I learned to never open up, and never let anyone access my mind, fearful of the fact that my thoughts and feelings could've been crushed and torn to shreds again.
At least until Tom: with Tom I decided to give myself another chance, convinced that it would've been worth it, and for a split second I thought I was on the top of the universe with him.
But, as we all know, the higher you go, the deeper the fall will be, and I understood that.

After a few minutes I heard a notification from my phone, as it was my boss' text, who I knew was always awake early in the morning.
Luckily, she told me not to worry, to take the rest of the week off to rest, and I was immensely grateful to her.
I would've wanted to go back to sleep so much, to escape the thoughts I had in my head, but I couldn't, as I felt my head spinning.

I went downstairs to the kitchen, not knowing what to do in that room in which every single detail reminded me of Tom, there was something of his in every inch: his perfume, his clothes.
But, in the end, that was Tom's house, and every single part of it would've been torture for me.

I sat on the couch, dragging my knees to my chest while I let some tears run down my face, as if I just realised in that moment that Tom would've been around me anyway, and, quietly, I fell asleep.

Tom's POV

I woke up quite early that day, even if I hadn't slept at all.

I kept on thinking about her crying while she was laying alone in her bed, and at least once an hour that night I got up from my bed to walk to her door, thinking about going into her room.
However, I controlled myself and I didn't go in, knowing that it would've made things worse.

I wanted to fix things with her, work everything out with her, but I didn't know what to do.
I was scared of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, as up until that moment that's all I did.

I sat straight on the bed, with my head resting on my arms while they were on top of my knees, trying to imagine her next to me.
However, everything I could imagine, for some reason, was what happened the night I found her, her laying on the ground, looking at me and holding my hand.
I heard my panicking voice calling the ambulance, I heard the sirens of the ambulance that was taking her away from me, while I was speeding with my car behind her.

Immediately, an impulsive thought made me snap out of my bed, running towards her room.
This time I shut the door open, panic in my chest.
What if she hurt herself?

Her bed was empty and unmade, with her phone on top of it.

'Pearl?', I said, waiting for her response, even an insult would've tranquillised me, but I didn't hear a thing.
I opened the bathroom door, - completely empty, just like the terrace.