Call Out My Name|| Tom Kaulitz

Brad.

'So?', Tom asked me, still holding my face in his hands.

'So what?' I asked him, tilting my head to the side.

'Do you want to be with me?', he said.

My heart started speeding and my stomach contorted at those words.
'Yes', was all I wanted to say to him.
I wanted to tell him that I would've wanted to be with him for the rest of my days, that I would have never left him.
I loved him, I knew I loved him, I didn't doubt my feelings for him, but I wasn't sure if I was able to trust him completely just yet, not fully at least.
I couldn't throw myself into yet another relationship that would've left me destroyed, even if I would've wanted to live the rest of my days with Tom.
I knew that if I wanted to do so I had to tell him no, at least for the moment, until he would've showed me that I could've trusted him, that I could have confided in him without him stabbing me in my back, no matter if he did it for my own sake.

Feeling the tears in my eyes, I sighed and turned my head to my left, with my gaze fixated on the garden, to avoid telling him something I wasn't even sure could leave my mouth.

'Don't worry, you don't have to say yes now', he said, which made me turn back to him, giving me a little kiss on the temple.

'One day, when you'll feel ready', I weakly smiled at him, nodding.

'You don't have to wait for me', I said.
Those words hurt me like nothing else ever did before, but I meant them, I wouldn't have let Tom wait for me, run after me, it wasn't fair.

'I want to wait for you, Pearl, you're special to me. I'll never meet somebody like you again', I felt sudden relief, and I rested my head on his chest, while he caressed it gently.

I knew I had to work on a lot of things, I needed to trust him, I needed to be less anxious, but particularly I needed to fix what was broken in me.
What was taken away from me for years, - my depression -, left an enormous void in me, I didn't know how to love anymore, and I knew that in order to be with Tom, I needed to love myself first.
That sounded too difficult in my head, given that I never thought of myself as someone worthy of love, but Tom was slowly showing me that it wasn't true, and that could've helped me get through the traumas that built inside of me.

Jocelyn and Bill came into the house while me and Tom were still in the same position, hugged to each other.

Jocelyn, with her beautiful smile, came up to me, sitting next to me while hugging me from behind.
I felt truly protected, between four arms of two people who understood more about me in such little time in comparison to people I had in my life for years.
The only thing missing was Bill.

He was standing behind the sofa, looking at us, while I looked back at him.
I was still mad at him, and I couldn't bring myself to get up and hug him.

'It's your fault', were the words that were spinning inside my head, the same words I said to myself looking in the mirror everyday of my life, every time my parents beat me, every time my brother abused me, every time I got insulted, every time I looked at my body disgusted.
'It's your fault', I firmly believed those words.
Whose fault could it have been, if not mine?
I wasn't enough, I knew that, that was the reason why all those horrible things kept happening to me.
I couldn't blame Bill for thinking the same things I thought about myself, I would have been an hypocrite, but that didn't mean I couldn't be mad at him.

'Alright guys, we're going out tonight', Jocy said, getting up and walking closer to Bill, putting her hand on his shoulder.

'Again? But we just got back', I said rolling my eyes, not sure if I wanted to go out again.

'I know, and we're going out for dinner tonight', she replied, bending down to me and taking my hand.

'Come on Pearl, it'll be fun', she looked at me with her best puppy eyes, and I couldn't help but tell her yes.