Call Out My Name|| Tom Kaulitz

call out my name.

Tom's POV

Dear Tom,
it's safe to say that you are my first true, real love.
You've been putting up with me for way too long, and even if there were times where I used to despise you, and think that I was the better one, the truth is that you've always been better than me.
Better at handling rejection, at fighting back, better at being alive in this world.
I learned a lot from you, which is not only love.
I learned how to fight, how to smile, how to love someone.
Know that this is not your fault, and it will never be.
I wanted to be happy, I wanted to stay here with you, get married, raise our kids.
But how could I do that, if everything I see in the mirror is just an empty shell?
That's what I am, empty and broken, and there's nothing you could've done to fix it.
I know you want to protect me, but I can't let you do it, it will destroy you, and I don't think I'll be able to feel that type of guilt.
I love you, baby, I always will, but this isn't the life for me.
The flashing lights, the screaming, the drugs, it's going to end up with me dead if I stay.
I will never forget you, and I hope you won't forget me.
I hope that when you go to sleep, you see me smiling next to you, brushing my fingers on your cheeks and telling you how much I love you.
And I hope that, one day, that image of me can be replaced with the woman you're going to marry.
I hope you will live the happiest life, because you deserve this and more, something I couldn't give you.
Yours, forever, Pearl.

I stood still on the chair, frozen, as I read the letters Pearl left us before running away.
She didn't even look me in my eyes, she didn't talk to me or asked my opinion, before taking the decision of leaving the city, leaving me behind.
Not that my opinion mattered anyway, to her, but I still wanted her to say those things to my face, to be brave enough to say that she was ready to give up on us.
I would've lied if I said that I didn't understand why she was doing it, because I understood it well.
I once thought about doing the same, when I was 18: I thought that I wanted to fly back home, leave everything and start a normal life, but the only thing that kept me going was her.
I guessed I was not enough for her not to give up.

Bill and Jocy were standing behind me reading their letter, while I heard one of them sobbing.
I didn't turn around, nor did I speak, because I didn't have anything else to say.
As much as I understood her, I never saw it coming.
I knew she would've needed a lot of therapy, and I was ready to stick by her side, but she didn't give me the opportunity to do so.

She was gone, once and for all.
She finally left me.
The moment I had nightmares about had finally came, and I couldn't accept it.

I put my hand on my mouth, trying to wrap my head around the fact that her decision was permanent, that I would've never seen her again, and even if I did, me and her were over.

No, fuck that.
If she wanted to leave, she wasn't going to do it without telling me to my face that she didn't want to see me anymore, that she was ready to leave me and never have me back.

I read the letter once again, quickly, before throwing it on the floor and standing up from the chair, kicking it to the ground.
I quickly grabbed my car keys and ignored Bill and Jocy yelling my name behind me, - they knew where I was going, if they wanted to find me.

I left Pearl alone for two hours, thinking that it was better if I let her have some time alone, and she didn't think twice before packing up her shit.
She went behind my back and planned her escape while hugging me, kissing me and fucking me in that hospital bed.
She couldn't have possibly found a flight that same morning, so I wondered how long ago she actually bought that flight.
Days, weeks, months?

I slammed the door of my Audi and drove as fast as I could to that airport.
I was mad, furious, but I wasn't going there just to yell at her.
My heart was breaking at the mere thought of letting her go, and I couldn't lose her without at least trying to convince her to stay with me.