My Heavenly Friend

Chapter 18 - I love you

**Self-harm**
Christmas break was tomorrow. The month and a half have gone by in a flash and things were going pretty well. I think I past all my midterms and couldn't believe that the first term was already over. Everything with Leo has been going amazing. He treats me so well and I have to admit he makes me feel special. He does everything he can to make me laugh, or blush or just make me feel good s out myself. He doesn't know anything about my past, nothing that's true at least but I was okay with that. I didn't feel guilty lying to him about it, because things were going so well I didn't want them to end. I spent half my free time with him and the rest of that time was spent with either James or the trio. Sometimes both of them. Jack, Crystal and Sage would come by our room and we'd just hand out sometimes. I was really happy about that because I no longer felt like I was leaving James out and ignoring him when I was with my friends. There was a week and a half till Christmas Eve and people would be leaving tomorrow or the next day to head home. Although that's not true for everyone, like myself, but I can bet that 95% of the schools population is going home. James has to attended something up in heaven during the Christmas Eve, day and then Boxing Day. It's a thing they do every year and even though he said said he would try to come see me, I knew he wouldn't be able to because this was such an important event up in heaven. Even though I'd be spending Christmas alone I was just glad that I didn't have to worry that I might get hurt, that my dad just might decide that this Christmas he wants to hurt me, again. Since all of my friends would be going home either tomorrow or the next day we were all getting together and I was bringing Leo along. Leo and I decided not to get each other Christmas gifts but I was a hundred percent okay with that. I got each Jack, Crystal and Sage  cute Christmas themed coffee mugs with a packet of hot chocolate and candy canes inside of them. James left for "upstairs" just as I left to meet with my friends at the restaurant we had planned to meet at. Since everything in town was close to one another it was only five minutes off campus when going on foot and to be honest, it was less of a restaurant and more of a café like place. But it was petit and cute and had the best hot chocolate so we thought it was perfect. Just as I was about to walk in a hand laced with mine and I instantly knew it was Leo.
"Hey." He greeted, leaning forward to quickly kiss me. Leo and I had first kissed on our second date. Which was a week after our first date, but I never let it go any farther than kissing. I didn't want it to if I was being honest, and I was glad when Leo didn't seem to mind.
"Hey." I returned before we continued walking into the café. Instantly spotted by my friends Crystal waved us over. I sat beside Sage and Leo, Leo next to Jack, as we joined them at the round table. We all greeted one another before Leo stood up saying he was going to get a drink.
"Want anything?" He asked me with that cute grin of his.
"Mm hot chocolate please." I might have loved coffee to death but the hot chocolate was better than envy thing in the world. And you know this time of the year always makes me think of hot chocolate, even if I've never celebrated Christmas before for obvious reasons.
"Alright. I'll be right back." He said before standing and walking away. I took this chance to hand the three small gift bags I had over to my friends one for each of them.
"Aw, Ashton you shouldn't have." Jack said playfully like I'd just handed him a ring and asked for his hand in marriage. Always a drama queen, I mean King, that one was.
"Shut up Jackie. You haven't even opened it yet." Crystal pointed out ruining Jacks little show. He stuck his tongue out at her childishly and Sage and I both laughed at them. After they had opened them they all thanked me sincerely.
"Damn now I feel bad for not getting you guys anything." Jack complained but his grin suggested otherwise. I really wasn't expecting anything from them so I was shocked when all three of them pulled out gifts, handing them to one another and one to me. I smiled great fully down at the two cards and one small gift bag before we all opened our own gifts. Jack had given up each a different card with its own message. The only thing that was the same about all three was we all had the message "P.S sorry I suck at gift picking" earning I laugh from Crystal, Sage and I. Crystal had also given us all cards but with Starbucks gift cards in them, ten dollars which was perfect for me. I didn't go there often but this would be perfect for when I do go. I wasn't shocked but still loved it to bits and pieces when i pulled out a small ish frame that held a picture of Jack, Crystal, James and I all laughing in my room. I was sad that Sage wasn't in it but then again she was taking the photo so that'd be a little hard. Crystal and Jack also got a framed photo, but they were all different and all perfect. Thinking one another repeatedly we stood and had a massive group hug before Leo came back, two drinks in hand. I thanked him, taking a small sip and setting it on the table before placing the photo frame and two cards in the small gift bag.
"I feel bad that I didn't get you anything." I suddenly said to Leo. I know what we agreed on but with all this gift giving with my friends I felt like I was leaving him out.
"Hey it's fine. Besides you're all I want for Christmas." I heard my friends joking gag at Leo's cheesy words as he leaned forward and planted a kiss on my cheek. After that the five of us spent what felt like forever just talk when Leo's phone went off. Hiding his phone he read the message.
"Um, I'll be right back. I just gotta uh call someone." His tone was odd and made me frown.
"Alright." I said none the less and then he was walking outside. I knew he wasn't leaving but he was acting weird. The air at the table was awkward but Jack said,
"Well I'm famished," quickly dismissing the silence. "Who else wants a cookie?" He stood up, already pulling his wallet from his back pocket.
"Me." The three of us girls chimed in simultaneously before giggling at how we manga fed to do that.
"Here, I'll come with." Crystal offered as she stood up, leaving Sage and I at the table. Unconsciously I began to drum my fingers on the table, looking off into space.
"You know," Sage began to say, drawing my attention back to her. "I'm sure that Leo really did just have to make a call. But if you're that worried about it, I think you should go cheek on it. Trust your gut." Her words were sincere and powerful. I smiled grateful for the wonderful advice but said,
"Thanks. But it's alright. I'm sure your right." She nodded, slightly weary, and Jack and Crystal came back a moment later. Service was probably a lot faster now because I'm pretty sure it was close to nine o'clock, that is if it wasn't already. When Leo still didn't come back five minutes later I locked eyes with Sage, having a short, silent conversation before standing up.
"I'll be right back." I announced before walking out of the café, leaving all my belongings back at the table. When I didn't see Leo right away I waited a moment before I heard his voice. I inched my way to the side of the building, barely peering around the wall to look between the two buildings. My eyes instantly landed on Leo before I noticed that he wasn't talking on his phone, but to a girl who was standing in front of him, Angela. Sucking in my breath between my teeth, I waited a moment to here what they were saying. Maybe it wasn't what I thought it was, or maybe it was.
"C'mon on Angela baby, you know it's all an act. Remember this was your plan, I'm just doing what you wanted. I'd never fall for a girl like Ashton, you said yourself what a freak she was, and you're right. She does the weirdest things and likes the shittiest things, it's impossible to listen to her talk. You just have to wait a couple more hours, for when I dump her, telling her it was all a lie and stuff. C'mere baby, I love you." He pulled her close and they kissed, well if you consider sucking off each other's faces kissing, then, ya they were kissing. My felt broke at his words, and their actions. When they pulled apart Angela spoke,
"I'm just glad you see her for the bitch she is. I can't believe Max chose her over me. Honestly. But it doesn't matter. I have you my love, you're all I want. And I can't air to see the look on that freaks face when you tell her off. What I would pay to have that on video."
"How I not. She's annoying as hell and doesn't even see it. I can't wait to finally get rid of her." My heart shattered at those words "finally get rid of her." I nearly broke down in tears there when I stood a little straighter and stepped towards them. They both looked at me instantly but neither tried to cover up what they were doing.
"I guess our plan ends sooner." Was all Angela says before Leo made his way over to me. I slapped his hand away as he reached out to touch me.
"Go to hell." I spat before he could even open his mouth. Where his usual goofy grin sat, a menacing smirk appeared.
"And why would I want to go to your home. I mean honestly it's not where I belong but where you do. Really I thought you would have realized that by now. That trash belongs somewhere like that. And I mean you are trash after all."
"Shut up." I spat at him. Sure the house I grew up in was basically hell so sure he can say hell is my home, but those names. I thought I was past that part of my life. I thought maybe I found someone who cared for me, not wished for my fiery death. But I wouldn't let him see me cry. I couldn't, that would mean he won.
"Do you know how painful it was to have to listen to you talk about whatever the hell is was you would talk about. I mean I don't give a fuck about your stupid music, or your art courses. And your choice in friends is terrible, they're almost as annoying as you are. You have no idea how much I just wanted to tell you to shut up. A freak like you won't find anyone to love them, so how could you be so fucking stupid as to think that I would even like you. And kissing you," he shivered in disgust, "God, Angela should love me ten times more for having to go through that torture."
"Aw, I know it was hard baby. I do love you." Angela spoke as if I weren't even here. I couldn't evens top myself for rolling my eyes even with my pain.
"And that sarcastic attitude of yours is annoying as hell. It's definitely not attractive which brings me back to the fact that no one is ever going to love you." I felt hot tears trace burning lines done my face. No one was ever going to love me.
I slowly took a step backwards when Angela's laughing bounced off the walls, and that's when I broke. I turned on my heel and quickly ran away from the alley, away from the café, away from him and her, away from my clueless friends. I ran and I ran until I was stumbling into my room, my vision blurred by tears. I don't know how I even mad it back this far with out falling and just breaking down on the side walk. No one will ever love you. Replayed in my mind again and again.
Glad that James was still gone I made my way to my desk, searing for something, something I knew I had hidden away. No one will ever love you. Those words kept running through my head and I couldn't stop them, I couldn't stop the other thoughts they brought with the, the other me worries they brought with them. I didn't have a chance to feel guilty before I pulled out a small box and nearly dropped it from my shaking hands. Knowing what I was going was wrong, I left my room, box still in hand, and made sure my dorm door was closed before making my way to the roof. I nearly tripped over the stairs as I made it to the top. Nearly falling over my own feet I made my way to the edge and leaned my back against it, sliding down it so that I sat in a teary mess against it. Only illuminated by the two dim lights that were on the roof I dropped the box, trying to open it with shaking fingers. The lid fall off, the set of blades fell out as only one or two stayed in the fallen box.