My Heavenly Friend

Chapter 19 - The way you laugh so honestly

**self harm**
The lid fell off, the set of blades fall out as only one or two stayed in the fallen box.

You will never be loved.

It's your fault she's dead.

What kind of name is Ashton for a girl.

You're such a freak, just drop dead.

Unlovable.

She died for your worthless life.

I crumbled under the words that were being yelled inside my head, over and over again and finally I just grabbed a thin, sharp blade of metal and hurriedly pulled my left sleeve up my arm. My breaths shaking, my face burning from tears, my eyes stringing from tears yet to fall, I pressed it into the flesh just above the three other thins. As the blood bubbled up, I instantly felt sick and terrible. I even more. I let the blood run down my arm and mix my my tears when suddenly there was a loud bang. The roof door had been swung open and Max was standing there, breathing raggedly like he'd been running fast and for a long period of time. I didn't think it was possible for me to cry harder but I did as I felt the guilty become worst just from one look at Max's face. He was already looking so distressed but the emotions that came to his face in a second were worst. There was so much sadness, pain and a little anger. It only mad me cry harder and harder and I couldn't get the voices to just shut up as he tumbled over to me in horror. I wanted to ask what he was doing here, if he knew I was here, but the words refused to leave my mouth. With one quick motion he bent down grabbing all the blades and tossed them over the edge of the roof. I opened my mouth to protest but once again nothing came out. He collapsed in front of me, an almost pleading look on his face.

"Ashton." He spoke my vice so softly that I couldn't take it, he stared down at my blood covered arm in sorrow and terror. I needed him to get mad, I felt so disappointed in myself, I needed him to yell at me. I could barely breath and I couldn't stop shaking my head from side to side as I said over and over again,

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I hurt so much that I didn't know what I would do next. He mumbled words that I couldn't hear over my never ending apology but there was a weird sensation coming from my wrist. I squeezed my eyes shut hoping to stop the hurricane behind my eyes but it did no good. My apolgies were suddenly cut short as I was buried into Max. His intoxicating scent filled my nose as I broke down. I couldn't stop crying and I felt so weak.
"Shh," he whispered soothingly in my ear, his hot breath causing shivers to run up my body.
"They won't stop. The voices." I cried and my voice broke with each and every word.
"Shh, it's alright. They're wrong. They're wrong." He whispered that into my ear repeatedly, slowly calming me down, even though my eyes continued to rain. Neither of us said anything after his voice faded away. I sat in his lap, securely being secured as no questions were asked. He just held me tightly in the comfortable tear filled silence. I'd been so focused on trying to get my crying to stop that I hadn't even noticed Max standing up and carrying me like a child back into the building. I barely noticed until I was set down on a bed and dipped below me and Max was walking into the bathroom. Flicking on the light, he not only illuminated the bathroom but dimly lit the bedroom seeing as there were no light on in here. But it was enough light for me to realize that we weren't in my room and that I sat on his bed, Blase no where to be seen. Thank God.
I sat there motionless as my sobs quit and silent tears rolled down my already soaked cheeks. I focused on my breathing, trying to calm it down but they were still shaky as my tears almost stopped and Max walked back into the bedroom. Once again no one said anything as he placed two hand towels and a bottle of water next to a tissue box on his night side table. He walked back towards his closest, grabbing a tee shirt before returning in front of me, crouching down on him knees. Even like that he was almost as tall as I was when seated on the bed. Painful silence overcame us as he picked up one of two clothes and wiped it up my arm, it was then that I realized that it was damp. Max gently washed away the blood that had covered my arm before grabbing the dry towel, wiping away anything else as he dried my arm at the same time. I let him do so as I reached over and grabbed a tissue, wiping my nose before crumpling it up and leaving it on the night side table. Max dropped both of the towels beside the small table and I looked down at my now clean arm when it hit me. My cut had been healed, leaving a fourth regretful scar, but the only way it could be healed is that Max had healed me. I know that was the only angel power he had because his father was a healer, so that must have been what he mumbled up on the roof. A healing incantation.
"Drink it." Max said, his voice coming out surprisingly weak as he handed me the bottle of water. Reluctantly I took it from him, twisting the cap off. I brought it up to my mouth, gulping down half of the water. As I made a move to seal it again Max's caught my wrist, stopping me. "Finish it." His words should have come out harsh and demanding but although they were final they were anything but those two things. Complying I took a few moments to finish the water that I had left. When it was all gone I screwed the lid back on and placed it back on the night side table. It was completely silent again before Max's large, warm hands took my scared arm so lightly, I could almost forget he was even touching me. From one look at the emotion in his eyes, I wanted to rip my arm out of his gentle grasp, but I found myself unable to do so. With sorrow filled eyes he leaned forward pressing his lips to the lines, causing me to sharply suck in the air between my teeth. It was similar to that time up on the roof when I told him about these marking on my arms but there was more to it his time. So much more was expressed and so much more weighed in the air as he placed another kiss, and then another, and another kissing the freshest scar. I didn't deserve to be healed, what I had done was so terrible, even I knew that, it should have been my punishment, to have to wait for it to heal and to have to deal with that pain every day until it was just another godforsaken scar. My eyes clouded with tears once again and I felt a tear or two fall, rushing down my face as I whimpered quietly, almost soundlessly. Almost instantly Max's head shot up and he was holding the side of my head. I leaned against his hand and let my eyes shut, in hopes that it would stop the next tear from falling. But what really stopped it was Max's lips, being lightly pressed to my eyes, and then underneath my eyes, just along my cheekbones. His other hand came and held the other side of my face and my hands came up, to wrap around his as he placed a lingering kiss on my forehead. By now the voices had slowly subsided and they were becoming silent. My eyes dried and my wet lashes were the only thing that left water on my cheeks anymore. Seemingly reluctant Max stood up, letting me go and grabbed the tee shirt, handing it to me. Before I could ask him what he was giving it to be he said,
"You've got blood all over yourself." It was simple but it got the message across perfectly. Turning away, he stepped closer to Blase's bed. I took the chance to slowly peel off my shirt and replace it with Max's. Almost as if a second thought, I stripped of my pants as well, seeing as there was blood all over the thighs. I was lucky that Max was so much taller than I because his shirt went to about mid thigh on me, covering everything that needed covering. I reached out and lightly tugged on the back on his shirt, signaling that he could turn around now, feeling as if my voice wouldn't work. As my hand moved to fall back beside me, Max grabbed it kindly and laced his fingers with mine. Leading me back to the bed he gestured for me to get in. Shocking even myself I didn't protest as I climbed onto it, moving all the way to the wall and pressing my back against the back bored of his bed. He moved over to the bathroom, standing right in front of it he tossed my blood stained clothes and the towels in, I assume, the bath/shower before he reached behind his neck and pulled his shirt up and over his head. At first my eyes widened in surprise when I noticed blood on the front. It must have been from when he was holding and carrying me. Even though I knew the situation we were in, and how broken I was feeling, I still couldn't tear my eyes away from his strong back. They still refused to move as he tossed his shirt where everything else was and turned back towards the bed, giving me a nice view of his toned chest and abs. Okay so I know that this was Max we were talking about but I never once denied how undeniably handsome he was, I just never made a big deal out of it. I didn't have to look away when he turned off the bathroom light, the room becoming almost completely pitch black.
"I'm coming in the bed." Max warned for whatever reason. He could have done it for a few different reasons but the one he really did it for remained a mystery to me. Still, I was thankful, I felt as if I didn't know he was coming towards me I'd flinch only making things worst. I shifted in my spot where I sat with my knees pulled up to my chin, toes under the covers of his bed, making as much room as I could. I felt the bed dip as he got on and climbed under the blankets, sitting up. "Is this alright?" His whispering voice asked gently. He could have been talking about a hundred different things, but I think he was really talking about us being in the same bed.
"Yes." My voice surprisingly didn't crack like I thought it would when I spoke in the same low tone as him.
"Can I ask what happened?" His voice was curious yet it showed what sounded like an emotion that meant he didn't want to know. But I knew the reason he didn't want to know is because it would hurt, not just me but both of us. I had a massive amount of trust in Max that I shouldn't have based on the past, and sometimes I forgot about until we got into situations like this, but for some reason there was a sense of comfort and safety that arose when I was with him. So although I stutter out the answer, I only hesitated a moment before taking a deep breath and answering.
"It-it was all a lie. L-Leo and Angela, they're together. It was all just a-a plot to so that-that he could dump me, leaving me- leaving me a broken mess. He said no one-no one would ever love me. And then-then it all just, just came rushing back." I couldn't catch my breath but I was all out of tears, my eyes stayed dry. I thought I'd choke on the air when my hand was wrapped in Max's, that sense of comfort and safety becoming all he more presence. "I-I couldn't handle it. I couldn't." My voice broke, just like myself and I was pulled down and against Max. He wrapped his arms around me in a hug and he ran his fingers soothing through my hair as he whispered,
"Shh, I know it hurts. But he's wrong, he couldn't be more wrong. He's a complete jackass for lying to you. And I'm not just talking about the last two months. I'm talking about all the things he said to you. He couldn't be more stupid to be unable to see who amazing you are. To see that even though your life as been absolute shit you're such a colorful person. And I'm not talking about your clothes, I mean you. Your personality, your little traits. The way your lips move to the music that seems to always be playing through your headphones, the way it doesn't take you a seconds hesitation to shoot out some fiery comeback, showing that you're in just as much power as the person your talking to." I listened in amazement as he spoke, at first it was just reassuring words that calmed me down, that I believed, but then it became so much more. "They way protective over the people you care about, even though no protected you six months ago. The way you always use a pencil and keep it behind your ear like the artist you are, the way you're hand glides over that paper as you draw, zoning it the rest of the world. The way, after everything you've been through, the way you still smile so beautifully, laugh so honestly. You are the most lovable person I've ever met, and only an idiot wouldn't be able to recognize that." I had almost forgotten that this was first about Leo and him being a jackass, I was so...absolved by the words Max said. He pointed out things I thought no one noticed to payed mind to, he gave me reasons to believe that everything Leo said was a lie. He called me lovable. I don't think Max will ever know how much everything he's saying means to me, especially since I'm in such a vulnerable state right now. I could only hug him back tighter, because my voice definitely wasn't going to work now, but the reason why was different. I felt Max shift so that he was laying down, pulling me down with him, the blankets pulled out to over the both of us. It was silent as he laid on his back, me on my side, my body pressed against his as he continued to hold me tightly, but not to tightly. I had almost thought that he'd fallen asleep when he spoke up.
"Will you make me a promise?" I only silently nodded, telling him to continue. "Never, ever, hurt yourself again. If you feel like you need to I want you to come to me. Promise me that." His voice was quiet but full of so much power, yet so much pleading.
"I promise." I sincerely told him after a moments of hesitation. I didn't really want to hurt myself, it was just a relief from everything else, I knew Max would do anything to replace that with something better, something I un harmful. His body seems to relax at my words and it was quiet again. That was before I asked him something I had been wondering.
"How did you know?" It took him a moment to understand that I was taking about how he knew I was in the roof. I didn't actually know he knew, I just assumed because he looked like he had been searching for something when he first emerged onto the roof. But I knew he got it when his reply answered what I wanted to know.
"I got a call from Sage. She sounded worried out of her mind. She told me that you'd all been at some café and Leo was acting weird. She said she was worried when you didn't come back right away from checking on him. She saw you running away from the alleyway and that he'd been in with another girl. I instantly knew something was wrong and when you weren't in your bedroom, by the way you really shouldn't leave it unlocked, I panicked when the roof came to mind. I bolted, freaking out. I knew something was terribly wrong." He paused and I absorbed his words. "Ashton you scared me shitless. I kept thinking of the worst possible things that could happen, that could happen to you. Please don't ever do that again." The raw emotion he expressed broke my heart. I mean I thought hearing Leo say those things broke my heart, but it was nothing compared to what I felt now, for what I caused Max.
"I'm sorry, I promise I won't. I won't ever do it again. I'm sorry," my voice came out almost in a plead, a plead for him to forgive me because it hurt so much to see him like this.
"It's okay. You're okay. It's okay." He whispered and I could just hear the tears in his voice. This boy was going to ruin me, I thought as it pained me to hear him like this. To hear Max, mister no emotion, crumbling, because of me, for me. Looking up from where my head was on his chest I saw a tear fall across his face. Without even thinking I'd done something like he had early. I reached up instinctively and placed my hand on his cheek and stretching my neck I pressed my lips against his temple, keeping them there for a moment before pulling back. Silently I settled back down beside him, cuddling into his warm body, I placed a kiss on his shoulder and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.