The Uchiha's Toy || FullbusterFic » vonlane

Chapter 9: Regrets

Itachi Uchiha

I was going to kill Deidara one of these days with those fits he had. He got mad so easily that I didn't even know how to deal with it. If I helped him ease the pain by burdening my eyes, he begged me to kill him instead. If I gave him food so he wouldn't be hungry, he'd get mad at me for giving him my leftovers. Who understood that knuckle head? He was annoying! Only now was I understanding Sasori's complaints over how 'easily angry' he got.

I entered my bedroom and threw myself on my bed with the intent of resting a bit, maybe even try to sleep. Though, I couldn't go to sleep thinking of the blond. What was wrong with me today? I touched my lips with my fingers and remembered the kiss. I had kissed a guy! Please, I was beginning to loose my head. If my father was here- he would've banished me from the clan for sure! An Uchiha without offspring was completely unacceptable and especially if they were homosexual. It wouldn't matter if I was the genius or not. I had fought all my life for them to recognize me, to not ridicule my clan, because that was what my clan was: a secluded society who thought themselves to be superior than the others, a clan where they required the offspring to keep being the best, because failure was not an option. I was happy Sasuke would never go back to that! I had done him a favor to free him from all that harsh training from our father, of having to carry the family burden to not leave them in ridicule, to be the best. If you thought an Uchiha had it hard, then the firstborn of the leader had it worse.

All that time I thought I had to be perfect, that I couldn't fail others, that I had to be the best, the strongest. Of course, all of that paid off because now, that's how everyone saw me- all at the cost of saying I was cold, that I had no feelings but I did. I protected my brother from my father's cruelty. All the expectations my father had, I carried them out, leaving Sasuke with a happy childhood; one I did not have. I always had to dedicate my time to train as to not let our father down. All this time and only now was I feeling like I was letting my father down, liking a boy; that couldn't be. I couldn't pamper him, I couldn't like that damn blond but even so, I couldn't take that kiss out of my head. On top of that, he was a good kisser! It had been soft and sweet, almost reminding me of a kid in search of someone to love him. Deidara had an innocence to him that I think even he didn't know he had. He was only a lost kid in search of love.

I closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep only now, the one who kept coming up in my head was my dad and it didn't feel too good thinking back on all the expectations he had from me. I didn't want to think of anything, I only wanted to be free, be me. I never had any friends like Sasuke had. He could go out and play while I trained. My only friend had committed suicide before me because he couldn't keep on carrying the burden of an isolated clan. We had to be perfect and we weren't even though everyone saw us that way.

For the first time, I asked myself: Who was I? Who really was Itachi Uchiha if I erased what my father taught me? I was caring, I adored my mother. I was a happy kid who used to smile a lot, especially around my brother. I was the kid who liked to be strong, not because I was an Uchiha, but because I could defend my loved ones. I wasn't this cold and serious Itachi from the organization, that was what everyone expected to see. I had to ignore the Itachi from Konoha within me, I couldn't let him out, not while I was in the Akatsuki.

I remembered Deidara falling to the floor when Kakuzu pushed him towards me. They knew I wouldn't catch him, that I was going to let him fall and deep inside, it hurt me. I should've caught him! I was dying to catch him in my arms, to protect him, to not let him fall on the floor as to not suffer any more injuries, but I let him fall. What kind of person was I becoming in this damn organization? I wasn't like that- being an ANBU, I used to help all my partners, so why didn't I catch Deidara? Did I have to keep my appearance of being cold to not catch him?