Smoke and Mirrors : Royal Angels I

Poodle in pink

~Xavier~

"Let's talk about the birds and the bees."

Victoria shot me a glare as I tried to hold a meaningful conversation with the Archangel in my sister's girlfriend's dead body.

As much as I knew it made me an ässhole to kill her, I only did it because I knew she couldn't really die.

After all, a deity was only as powerful as his priest.

"Let's talk about how if you don't get us out of here, I may never procreate again." I said, seriously. "And we all know I'm too awesome not to pass on my genes."

Victoria groaned. Israfel snorted.

"I wonder how much bigger your head can get before it explodes." The Archangel remarked.

"You can't damn well find out if I die here." I pointed out.

"Yeah." Victoria chimed in. "You're seriously ruining his chance of winning gold at the Ego-lympics."

"And you've got a side kick." The Archangel mused. "Lovely little Robin."

Side chick, I wanted to correct him.

But then again, I'd be wrong because she'd always be the only one for me.

"Told you I'm batman, Shortcake." I said. "Even Archangel Wikipedia agrees."

She surveyed the people dropping dead around us like flies.

"You can be John fücking Cena if we get out of here, Biscuit."

I turned to the dead girl floating above us. Israfel was busy twisting her like a pretzel, but didn't do anything.

"What are you waiting for?" I asked him, feeling panic slowly creeping up on me. "Fanfare, a tiara and the red carpet? Do your thing and shut this thing down."

Anna's body slowly turned to face me, her eyes rolled back, the light and the voice spilling from her lips casual.

"I can't."

With those two words, my last hope of getting out of here came crashing down on me. If there had been anybody at all powerful enough to haul our ässes out of this mess, it had been this guy.

"What the hell do you mean you can't?" Victoria screamed. "You don't get to quit. This is fücking Karate Kid part 2."

"Feisty Robin." He said, simply. "I can't because this dimension is not my domain. Even if Miss. Miyagi here whoops my äss, I can't do jacksquat."

Hell. I quickly realised. Hell wasn't his domain.

"Then call your brother." I said, trying to stay calm. Naturally, I was about as cool as a scarecrow on fire. "Call Azrael. Hell, Hades if it helps."

"Yeah, I have his number right here." The Archangel said, deadbeat. "Or let's just Skype a being older than your universe. Oh, and I'll also Snapchat this sob story in the meantime."

"Hashtag Shut the fück up and do something before I show you what an apocalypse really looks like." Victoria threatened.

Anna's body shot her a glare and a sigh.

"Fine." He said, sassier than a poodle in a pink vest. God, I wanted to make this bästard choke on kibble. "I'll do it."

It wasn't so much a text as a pillar of white smoke suddenly rising from the ground. White flames spread out from the smoke covering the ground but freezing everything it touched.

I'll admit I was a little scared we were going to be starring in the next adaptation of Ice Age as human popsicles.

But as it spread over the hall, the only thing that froze was time.

Right. Because the underworld only caught on to the Mannequin challenge right about now.

"What's happening?" Victoria whispered to me.

With a start, I understood that only the two of us were still able to move.

"I welcome you to my humble abode."

The voice belonged to a man in a crisp black suit, parting the centre of the smoke column. I couldn't see his face - he was wearing a silver masquerade mask and bright light spilled out of the holes.

"Why do you disturb my peace, children?" Azrael asked, with a voice that sounded like thunder and whisper all at once.

Death.

I was talking to death.

Not some idiot in black robes and a pointy stick on Halloween, but the being who'd said "ok, I have an eternal life. Imma just collect a bunch of souls for kicks and giggles."

"We hath disturbed your peace because we hath been trapped in this hell hole, ye Archangel." I said, trying to class up my act.

I thought I saw him smile.

"I am sorry, little one." He said, solemnly. "The time has come. For both of you."

"No." I said, adamantly. "There's got to be another way."

"I am afraid there isn't." He said, almost as cheery as Dora the explorer.

I looked into a pair of scared green eyes.

"Please don't do this." I whispered, desperate.

I even added an "eth" to all the words in a last ditch attempt.

The Archangel of death merely shook his head in all finality as the smoke drifted away and time returned.

Exactly to when a demon sunk a foot long blade into my chest.

Huh.

Ok, then.

I looked at Victoria, and saw the glaze of unshed tears in her eyes as the bullets tore through her. I refused to notice anything but her hair.

I'd never seen anything more beautiful than that loud, violent red river as her head hit the ground.

When I closed my eyes, I felt no pain.

Just a familiar voice saying no from far away.

****

Xavier from hell : "Vote because it's not over yet."