An Exhaustive Search

Selfish, Not Selfless

They think that I am selfless,
Not thinking I could care less,
Everything they say is meaningless,
But why should I stress?

I might as well give it a rest
Because not one of these pests
Will ever stop their protests,
Ever confess that I am right,
Why should I even fight?

If I were to be honest,
If I were to confess,
I'd admit that this is beneficial
For me, not a total
Letdown because this artificial
Compassion fools everyone
Because I'm viewed as a role model.

You do realize I would be lying
If I said I'm not fooling
Myself. You could call it a good thing,
But once the truth comes out,
I have my doubts
That any of you will be smiling.

I am not a perfect being,
The one who'd do anything
To brighten people's days,
So you might as well stop looking
Up to me, seeing
Me as someone worth emulating.

There may be good in me,
But don't make that all you see,
Can't believe I am giving this warning,
My point is that you don't want
To suffer disappointment
In the future.

There's this other side of me,
It's telling me to take care of myself,
To stop worrying about other people,
I've always tried to suppress
It, but I have to confess
That it gives me loads of stress,
Which makes my mind a mess.

I am just like all of you,
There's this darkness raging within,
The light trying to keep it contained,
And I'm caught in the middle of it,
Trying to filter out the dark,
So only the light enters.

What's the point of this anyway?
Blowing my cover for everyone,
Letting the world know my compassion
Is fake, the very art of deception,
'Cause now you know I am nowhere
Near the kindhearted soul
You thought of me as.

If anyone reads this letter,
Each person will send a messenger
To make sure everyone knows,
There will be no place to hide,
No one to confide
In, so I must keep this a secret
Before I make a decision I regret.

Maybe I should take my chances
In revealing my true nature,
Risking a dent to my future.
Who knows? I may learn who my friends
Are, the ones who will accept me
Even after this reveal, assuming
Anyone will stay that is.

People doesn't suspect
A thing, but once they see this letter,
They will carefully inspect my past,
No doubt most people will leave my side,
But I have to risk this
To see if I have true friends.

They say true friends stay,
I haven't been honest to any of them,
Been faking my way into a group
Who don't know the real me,
Merely a fake version they see.

If I continue faking who I am,
Where I gain friends along the way,
Are they really my friends?

It's this question
I have avoided for too long,
One I didn't want to answer,
But now that I did,
All my delusions
Are thrown away.