An Exhaustive Search

Stability

I could make a log,
Keeping track of my activity,
My behavior, my personality,
My attitude, my mindset,
To maintain self-control.

A deep reflection
Eliciting introspection isn't enough,
For I find myself with a checklist,
Barely receiving any updates.

So many improvements to make,
Personal growth so to speak,
But sometimes,
Everything's heightened.

All the positive emotions,
They rush through me,
Dominating my mind.

The sky is blue,
Not even a single blemish;
The trees are filled with leaves
And birds are taking residence
All while the sun radiates joy.

It's everything I want,
Comparable to heaven,
A paradise for all,
Yet my mind is set to explode.

All the negative emotions,
They rush through me,
Dominating my mind.

The sky is grey,
Not even a hint of clarity;
The trees are devoid of leaves
And birds are evacuating their homes
All while the storm radiates despair.

It's not everything I want,
Comparable to hell,
A prison for all,
Yet my mind is set to repair.

All the positive emotions,
All the negative emotions,
They rush through me,
Competing for my mind.

The sky is blue; the sky is grey;
The trees have leaves; the trees lack leaves;
Birds take residence; birds rush way;
The sun shines; the storm blocks the sun;
Rapid changes! It occurs every second.

It's what I want but also not,
Comparable to heaven but also hell,
A paradise but also prison for all;
My mind spirals,
Attempting to find sense out of it.

Positivity and negativity,
Trying to overpower the other
When they should work together
To produce peace.

The sky should be blue with clouds;
The trees should be filled with leaves
And the birds should go where they please
All while the sun and clouds
Produce an adequate environment.

It's what I want,
Truly want,
This sense of balance,
This sense of order,
For that is true paradise.

How does one cope?
Must what I have be viewed
As a curse or a blessing?
How can one be so sure?

It matters not what anyone says,
The only exception being my own;
Everyone can have power over me,
But only I can grant permission.

They say conquering one's emotions
Is snuffing them out,
Being devoid at all times,
But that's impossible.

You can hide your feelings,
Bottle them up all you want,
But when you reach your limits,
Channel those feelings
Before they tear everything apart.

This is my log,
It's every poem I've written,
And for those I publish,
I hope you can all relate.