An Exhaustive Search

Regret

For a long time, I was drawn to it;
Starting from my elementary years,
I saw people do unspeakable deeds to others,
Effectively stripping away their identities.

This behavior was discouraged,
Heavily discouraged you could get expelled,
But since it was elementary school,
The principal sought different punishments.

These punishments,
Some as simple as warnings,
And the worst one could possibly
Get was a detention.

The behavior they labeled bullying;
One would think I was fearful seeing
That everyone got in trouble eventually,
But all it did was magnify my urges.

My urges to take after those people
Stemmed from looking into their eyes
Because I saw power, so much power
I wished to harness for myself.

By my elementary years' finale,
I took after these bullies,
Harnessed the same dark magic,
And used it against anyone I saw.

I was one untamable beast,
Pleasure was felt at the moment,
So I sought to replicate these deeds
Because I saw fireworks in place of anguish.

When I wasn't committing these crimes
Against humanity, I felt withdrawal,
Suffered such symptoms it felt my soul
Was on the threshold of leaving my body.

It made me want to derive pleasure
At the expense of others more,
Causing me to continue my atrocious deeds,
That nobody could put me down.

Not even authority couldn't stop me,
But a surprise awaited me,
Waiting to squeeze its paws,
Striking when I least expected.

It was a feeling so foreign
That I could barely fathom its hold on me,
A feeling I couldn't name,
Troublesome to even describe.

I literally felt heat pulse through my face,
Felt tightness forming
At my stomach, my throat, my chest, my brain,
And it threatened to knock me out.

The feelings were weak at first,
But the more I bullied people,
The feeling grew stronger,
Felt most during my break period.

It culminated to a point
That I experienced similar sensations
Even at the moment of hurting others,
Enough to shatter this dark interest for good.

Bullying no longer appealed to me,
Apologies couldn't stop their pain,
I feared retaliation, and I closed
Myself off from the whole world.