Barbed Lives ☑️

49. Amigo

"Lake Weswik?"
Nick popped the question I've been dreading. He wanted to visit this lake since he read about it in school. And I knew I was going to break his heart.

I tried to hide my grimace.
"I'm sorry son. I won't be home this Christmas."
I said already feeling guilty.

His lips curled down and he dropped his shoulders before walking away silently.
The last Christmas I spent with him was three years ago. He's six years old and every year I give him disappointment as a gift.

"Damnit I break his heart everytime."
I said feeling defeated.

"You can't just do that! You promised him that you'll be home this Christmas! If not, atleast lie to him. Don't hurt him like that!"
Merlen was angry. And my remorse got worse.

"You know I can't.."
I started off but couldn't complete.

"J, he loves you. But all this is only going to break his trust in you. He's your son. You need to do better."
She said politely this time.
I just nodded a Yes.
I knew I was fucking things up.

"I don't know how to get better, Merlen. I can only try."
I said and went into her arms.
She kissed my forehead making me feel all the warmth I missed in past eight months. Sucks to be an armyman and not being able to meet your family for years straight.

*****

"You just came! Why do you come home when you have to go back so soon?"
Nick complained. No he screamed in anger.

For a six year old, he was too bold and angry at his father.
"That's not how you speak with your dad, Nick."
I was angry too. Here I was leaving and he had to throw tantrums.

"Fine. Go. Me and mom will be just fine without you."
He said, turned around and left.
I was taken aback.
I had always worried about this moment and it had come. I was not wanted here anymore and I couldn't accept it.

"J, you're not helping it."
Merlen said holding my hands.

"I don't know what to do Merlen. I'm losing him and it annoys me even more. It irritates me everytime he fails to look at my efforts and complains about my failure instead."
I breathed through my lips somehow.

"If you don't tell him that you love him, he won't ever believe it."
She said the truth. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

"I know it's difficult. But you have to change yourself for him. He doesn't deserve to grow up with an asshole father who only comes home to fight."
She said making me look at her.

"I'll try to change myself. I'll try to be a better father for him the next time I come. I just need you to be with me."
"You have me, J. Always."
She hugged me tight one more time before I left.

I looked at Nick who was standing at the window with an angry face.
My broken heart cracked a smile at his attitude.
He really was my son.

******

"But this is not fair."
The audacity!

"Oh really Captain Rollins?"
I said quivering in plank.

"Come on Boss. I thought you'll take me to your weaponary, we'll go for long range firing, have some beers in your bar and curse our lives out about Beta. But here we are, at the place you considered best. Still you are barely making it through."
He mocked me careless of the breaths that were yet to be counted in his lungs.

"You've started using bold words, dog. Tone it down before I remind you how to do it."
I teethed. Fucker was speaking everything he shouldn't.

He laughed silently not realising that I'll feel the movements because he was sitting on my back!