Barbed Lives ☑️

58. Slices And Stitches

I lost Merlen.
She is dead.
What's left for me to live?

I felt my eyes weigh a hundred ton when I wanted to open them to see who was holding my hand.

It took me few seconds but by the time I adjusted with the light, the touch was gone. I was hoping it to be Nick but even my semi conscious state knew that's impossible considering what I did to him.
And I was right. It wasn't him.
It was another boy - very lean, probably underweight and malnourished. I remember seeing him in the mortuary when I saw Merlen's face for the last time.

"Who are you? Where's Nick?"
I asked him.

"Hello sir. Nick says he doesn't want to come. My name is Wills. I.. I saw your car on fire and called for help.."
He said unsure of whether he should say it or not.

I closed my eyes back hoping I'll go back in that time and not drink those beers before taking off, drive better and save my love.

There was a loud thump and I opened my eyes again. Norman was standing there with red and wet eyes.
I looked at him for only a second before looking down.

"I'm so-"
"Don't you fucking apologise! You promised you'll keep her safe! You killed her!"
He shouted at the top of his voice which was already shaking.

I knew he was in pain. I knew how it felt. I knew how angry he was at me. I was angrier at myself.

"You're right. I killed her."
I whispered with tears flowing out of my eyes again.

"And yet here YOU are! Alive! I will never forgive you, James!"
He said and then left.
I knew he held himself back from killing me right there.
I wish he didn't. I wish he'd kill me. I deserved it.

"Sir.. It wasn't your fault.."
That kid said right after Norman left.

"It was my fault, son. I killed my wife and pushed my boy away from me when I just got him back. It's all my doing and there's nothing left to correct it. My life is useless now."
I said.

He bent his neck down, got up and walked out.

I don't know what was happening to me.
The grief was becoming unbearable with each passing minute. I had never felt so lonely ever before. I couldn't stop thinking about it no matter what. I didn't want to stop thinking about it because that would mean I'm running away from the truth that I'm a murderer.

Soon images of blue sky and white clouds were filled in my mind. There were moments of peace in between pain. If only I could get to the clouds, I'd get that peace. There was only one way to reach there.

I got up and started walking towards the balcony of my room. The more I walked the brighter it got. I was feeling so relieved that my pain will end now. I knew what I was doing and I wanted nothing else. I reached the railing of my balcony. I was on seventh floor. There's no way I'll survive this height. It will hurt a bit but not as much as it's hurting right now. It will get over.

'And yet here you are. Alive.'
Not for long, Norman. I won't be here for long.

Before I could climb over the railing and end my misery, I heard a loud "Stop!"
The voice was so loud that I stepped back in reflex.

"Please don't move!"
The doctor said as he walked towards me with that boy behind him, both breathing fast.

"I..."
I started saying something but I didn't know what to say.

"Mr James, please come with me."
He kept his palm on my shoulder gently and made me turn around.
He walked me towards my bed and sat in front of me.