The truth in our songs

Chapter 26

Maia-Jane Miller

,, What on earth have you done?! ,, I questioned my father as soon as my feet walked over the doorstep of our living room.

It was a question I asked him too often and a question he never truly answered, yet I needed to ask again and again because his mistakes would be our death. My voice boomed through the silent room and a tired gaze stared up at me. No- he had no right to look this tired, I should be tired, not him. He looked like a crumbling humanity that was falling apart, just not enough. I stared at his blank eyes which just looked at me, they were completely empty. If he wouldn't have put us through so much already, mine wouldn't look the same like his today.

,, Dad! ,, I shouted louder. ,, What have you done?! ,, he had to say something, anything. I had to know how bad it was although I already had an idea of the image that was in front of me.

He slowly and heavily lifted his corpse up from the nasty couch and shambled over to me. His breathing was exhausted and old, he looked like someone who had lived on the streets for too long and there was something apathetical in the way his eyes wanted mine to hold the gaze. When he stood in front of me I didn't move, there was no fear, just anger. 

He pointed his finger at me and remained like that for a moment before he spoke ,, This is all your fault. You put us in this position, because of you your mother left us, because of you I lost my job yesterday and because of you we're here today like this, like wrecks. ,, and then he trotted back to the couch and dropped himself onto it like a heavy sack.

,, It's not. ,, I shook my head. ,, Mum left because she couldn't bear having a husband like you and she left me as well because of you. You lost your fucking job because you are useless and nobody needs someone like you to work in their business and we are here today because you let us fucking perish like this- you selfish piece of shit! ,, I yelled the last words at him and instead of jumping up from the couch and slapping me accross the face like he would have done a week ago, he just shrugged and ignored me. ,, I have to be your messenger because if I wouldn't run after your shit, we would probably be dead by now- Here, that's yours, i don't want to carry it any longer with me. Bring it to whoever told you to do dirty work like this. ,, and I threw a thick envelope at him that landed on his chest.

,, Good girl. ,, he mumbled and grabbed it with his chubby hands. ,, Give me my phone, will you? It's on the kitchen table. ,, he said and I just looke at him before I walked away wordlessly to go and get him his stupid phone. The fought seemed to be forgotten, like we used to forget them all the time. Nothing would change anyway.

Why I was still doing what he said? Because I had no choice, everything he did depended on our lives and even though he gave no care in the world if he would die, I did. I was not ready to die, I still wanted to grow up and live. He knew his days were counted. I didn't want mine to be subordinated under a timeline as well. I was too young and unknowing to get my life taken away from me. Too much had already be taken from me. It was all I had left.

After he had what he wanted I grabbed my beloved bag and left the house. I didn't want to meet the person who would appear in a few minutes to grab the money. And to my luck I knew that the band had extra lessons today because Nicolas had mailed me the schedule when I had been in the band. I just needed a distraction. The angst of Anna's words still stuck with me, she had told me to better come back soon and I had no idea if something had happened but I also had no idea what that could be. My life with them wasn't this exciting and they barely knew thing about me.

My phone rang. I picked up. It was Blake.

,, Ah- my favourite person has descided to come back into town. I thought I would be graced with never hearing of you again. ,, he greeted me and I rolled my eyes.