The truth in our songs

Chapter 38

Maia-Jane Miller

Shit shit shit

Anger built itself up on me and I just wanted to walk back and slap Dillon across his quiete spying face. The way he had humiliated and bared me in front of Blake. Little shit, just because he was like a loyal dog that was always running behind Blake and caring for him like a grandmum. Of course i had reacted the way everyone would have to protect themselves. I had lied. I had refused to speak truth to him, had refused to let him in. Instead I had made him play the piano for me, and he obeyed. I had wanted im to hiss at me, to throw me out of the music room, to tell me to go away and to leave him alone but no, he had to go two steps toward me. Idiot.

I  was the idiot. If anyone could talk shit about me then it should be me. I was a horrible person, disgusted by myself. He had tried, was trying- the way I  had told him a few months ago. I  had told him to try, to let people see what they expected least and now it was me who had to deal with the sudden kindness he showed. Dear lord, why couldn't I keep my mouth shut for one moment? I was a blurring mess. An Idiot.

I let myself slide down against the lockers in the empty school hallway and buried my head in my hands. Fool, stupid fool. The words I'd said to him, terrible ugly words. I deserved hatred, I deserved no kindness, I deserved painful words as well, words that wouldn't harm me but still burn in my head. I  had been the on who had supposed company when things were hard and I  had broken that promise when he had tried to give that kindness back, that comprehension.

,, Don't make promises you can not hold ,, I whispered and wanted to hiss and scream at myself but I remained silent on the floor. I was a piece of trash. He was trying, trying- and I? I laughed at it. I fired it back like it was useless, I pleaded him to not give that kindess to me because I knew I would trash and shatter it. Even if I didn't want to, my selfishness did. Selfishness I had never wanted.

,, You could have held it ,, I heared a snarl and looked up to see wild curls in a maddened face. What I'd thought. But he didn't say more and just watched me presicely, like i was a painting in some museum. An ugly one for sure. One that was looked at and not understood, why it hung in a museum in the first place. ,, I- I thought you would try. ,, he said to me, his voice with such disappointment that I nearly winced at it.

,, And I told you I am bad at trying. ,, I said back and shut my mouth right after it. Shut. Up. Maia.

,, No, no you aren't. What you are, Maia, is scared. ,, he slowly said and eyed me. And he was right. i was so damn scared that it was eating me. He did not know the risk I was playing with if I would let him come near me, if I would let him in. He could not see my shattered family, my embarrassing lifestyle, my pathetic being. He thought it already but had never seen it. I was a no one. And I did not want him to find out. I'd rather push him away and have him hate me than show him my in dirt-covered life. He would trun on his heels and walk away from me. I could live with it but not with the fact of him looking at me differently if.

,, You have no idea ,, I hissed and slowly raised from the floor ,, How much it frightens me to know that. So do not act all wisely and smart in front of me. Do not act as if you know better because you don't know me. And I never gave anyone a reason to befriend me or set hopes up. I can not give you what you whish from me. I can not be that friend your mate needs because he does not want such things. Why wont you be that someone, you want me to be? ,, I asked him and he looked at me tightly.

,, Because Blake might trust me but trust is not always what's needed. Sometimes it's honesty. And he does not give it to me. But you. He gives it to you. ,, Dillon looked at me closely as my eyes narrowed. I wanted to laugh in his face at the absurdity of what he just said. I was no one Blake would ever trust, not even in hell.