The truth in our songs

Chapter 53

Maia-Jane Miller

I didn't know when I fell asleep in that car or how long we drove. All I knew was when someone, who I immediatly recognized as Blake gently lied me onto my bed in the gustroom. The smell of the fresh cold sheets on my skin, the soft wind rippling through my opened window and the sound of the tree's leafs. This- this felt like somewhere- somewhere where I could maybe find some rest.

After Anna had filled me up I was dog tired. I was not mad at her for doing so. I almost pleaded her to drown my min in alcohol to forget what I'd done tonight. She just did me a favour and when Blake snarled at her I was surprised she didn't tell him that I wanted her to fill me up. Maybe she didn't because I practically hadn't asked her to fill me up, she had just done it because I looked out of my mind already.

But I had kissed him. I had wrapped my hand around his neck and had pulled him down to me, had let him kiss me right back and had not been able to stop. What was worse? That i let it happen or that I hadn't been able to stop? I think I would die tomorrow in a puddle of embarrassement becasue things would get awkward now and I did not know how I would be able of surviving. I had seen the flicker in his eyes, had tasted the sweetness of his tongue, felt the burning sensation of the skin on my neck.

But he had not tried to argue with me about it. Had not asked me about it. No, instead he took my drunk ass from that bar, drove me to his home and was now about to take more care of my stupidness. My feet ached in those shoes and the fabric of the dress was too thin without a blanket to not freeze in. But Blake took care of that as well.

When his arms slipped from under my back, I didn't shift at the sudden lost of touch. I also didn't move when he carefully removed the shoes from my feet and placed them back under the blanket. I just let him lay the blanket over my chest and when I though he'd left I opened my eyes slightly to see him still standing in front of me, his eyes somewhere fixed on the outside of the window. So I let myself gaze at him, at his undescribable beauty, at the sadness in his eyes, the hope that seemed to fade with every day.

,, You seem sad ,, I said and his eyes immediatly flew back to me ,, Why are you sad? ,, I asked and looked at him questiongly.

,, It's not sadness ,, he replied ,, It's realization ,,

,, What kind of realization makes someone look so devestated ,, my voice in the quiet room, like a little whisper that got carried away with the wind. I was tired, I really was but the nighttalkes Blake and i had sometimes, felt different, easier and yet so heavy. I still craved them sometimes. Or maybe I just craved him without realizing it.

I had seen many faces on Blake. I had seen sad ones, mad ones, angry, disappointed, caring, confusd and hurt. But never had I seen such sadness and it made something in me feel terrible. Like fingernails picking my skin and squeezing it between them. Maybe I had messed up too much this time, maybe he was done with me and I would understand- I just hoped he wasn't.

,, Do you really not see it? ,, he asked me quietly and his eyes looked in mine, desperately and searching after something- anything ,, Can't you see anything? ,,

,, What am I supposed to see? ,, I asked, the fresh air letting me think better now that I was out of the club and somewhere quiet. I pushed all my other thoughts aside and tried to fully focus on him. I wanted to remember the conversation today, after i would wake up from sleep.

,, Everything ,, he responded.

,, I just see you ,, I said after I thought a bit about what he said ,, But I don't think that's everything I could see. ,,

,, Can I ask you something, Maia? And I mean truly ask. ,,

I breathed shakily ,, You still have your question ,, I nodded a bit. ,, Ask ,,