The truth in our songs

Chapter 55

Blake-Achlys Huxley

Her big eyes stared at me, frozen in spot before her warm hands slowly dropped from my cheeks. I had known it. I knew that if I would say anything to her that scared her in the slightest bit, she would back away. I looked back down at her and saw how her blue slate colored eyes already were somewhere else.

,, Why are you always running? ,, I asked her quietly. Because I knew how much I was willing to offer to her, I knew what I felt and no words in the world could ever change that. But she refused me, refused everything about me and yet sometimes I saw the way she looked at me- it was the same way I looked at her.

,, What do you mean, Blake? ,, she asked with a heavy sight and walked around me to get to the window opposite the door.

,, Why are you always running from everything? ,, I asked her again because if I had realized anything by now, it was the fact that Maia was not stupid, she knew exactly what I meant.

,, To not let the journey end. ,, she smiled sadly at me before she turned back to the tiny window. ,, If I would stop, if I would- the journey would be over and I would have reached the goal. I don't want that to happen. I'd rather run forever than arrive. ,, and I did not understand that. Did not understand her way of thinking, it was so different from everyone I've known before, it was uneasy.

,, Maia- ,, I said her name in a way that made her turn to me again ,, Why are you really running? ,, because I did not fully believe her. We all ran from things we were afraid of but Maia seemed to constantly be on the run.

,, To gain more time ,, she whispered.

,, Time for what? ,, I asked her in confusion.

,, For one more moment of life ,, she replied and then I understood. It was not that she was afraid of life- she was afraid of living. Because all she'd experienced had been pain.

,, You're scared you'll never truly live, aren't you? ,, I asked her carefully.

,, I'm scared of everything ,, she admitted ,, I am scared of not being able to do what I want. Of not trying because of all these fears. ,, then she fully turned toward me.

,, Well what do you want? ,, I wanted to know. She looked at me for a moment before she slowly stepped closer again, she left her spot and walked toward me, lifted one of her hands up, almost reaching my hair but freezing in the middle of it and staring at the nothingness, as if she thought about what she was doing.

I thought she would stop, thought she would step away again and drop her hand but she didn't. Instead she softly put a lose hairstrand that had fallen into my forhead and pushed it gently back. Such deep pain in her eyes, such agony. ,, I- ,, her voice broke but she shook it off and continued ,, I want to kiss you ,, she breathed and then there were tears in her eyes. ,, You have no idea how badly I desire you too, Blake. I desire you more than anything I've ever desired in my life but I will not give it to me. ,, she shook her head ,, I will not let you give yourself to me and I will not let you give your love to me because I will break you. And I don't want that. I can't be loved, Blake.  ,,

I stared at her and there was irritation and anger and desperation in me ,, What do you want, Maia- ,, I asked her again and I would ask her thousand of more times but I would not let her talk around it again.

,, To not feel pain like this anymore ,, she whispered and stroke down my temple, holding her tears in as if it was the only thing she could focus on ,, I want to love you, so badly. I really do. But I can't. Have you ever felt that kind of pain before, Blake? The pain of wanting to love someone, craving someone so badly it tores you apart. ,, I took her hand gently off of my face and looked deeply at her. Because of course I fucking knew that pain, I just looked at her and felt it every day, every day of my life.