No Control | Holding Me Ransom (Book 2)

26 - No Way Out And A Long Way Down

He looked down at the floor for a moment.

"What happened in New York - it wasn't as straight forward as you think. I wasn't myself that night. So much stuff had been going on in my life, and I just wanted a break from it." He hesitated again, and looked me in the eye. "Before I explain everything, I just want you to know I don't expect this to change anything with us. I know what I did was inexcusable, and I'm not trying to weasel out of it. I was a dıck, and I messed up, worse than you know. But I'll tell you, because I owe you the truth at the very least. I'm just sorry it's taken me this long to man up and speak to you. Please believe me when I tell you I am so, so sorry for what I did. And I won't blame you if you hate me even more, OK?"

I felt nauseous. What the hell had he been hiding all this time? What could be worse than sleeping with someone else? Did he sleep with more than one person?

Suddenly I didn't want to know. I wanted him to leave. He was scaring me, and I longed for righteous ignorance again. I didn't want to know the truth if it was going to hurt me even more. But somehow my tongue felt glued to the roof of my mouth, and all I could do was stare at him. He seemed to take this as permission to continue.

"I found out Louis had got Briana pregnant just before you arrived at the Cardiff show. He'd known for a while, and had told Modest, but they'd made him wait to tell us. He dropped the bombshell backstage and I... I didn't take it well. I was a fųcking dıck to him. He was shít scared about telling us, and I just went for him. Not physically," he added, his eyes darting to mine quickly. "I mean verbally. I didn't hold back. He'd taken me by surprise, and it was everything I was scared of suddenly manifesting itself right in front of me. I didn't know how to deal with it. I shouted at him, made him feel like shıt, and we had a blazing row. The others tried to intervene but I wouldn't listen. I said some really hateful things. Things I should never have said. But I was spurred on by - " He hesitated again, and looked up at me nervously. "I was spurred on by my resentment of him for the way he flirted with you. I was jealous of him. I have been since day one; far more than you know. I used that as an excuse to yell at him, and I let all my feelings out. I was horrible, and I wish I could take it back, even now."

I stared at him, my mouth open. Harry had often joked about me having crush on Louis, and had brought it up when we had argued on the phone when he'd found out about our kiss, and had even admitted his jealousy in the conservatory at my parents' house back in May, but I'd had no idea it had been so deep-rooted.

"Harry," I said softly. "I never had feelings for Louis in the same way I did for you. I had a stupid Directioner crush. It was a fangirl thing. I was never in love with him."

"You still kissed him," he pointed out. "And if he'd kissed you back, who knows where it would have led that night?"

I sighed and looked away. "OK, I won't deny that," I admitted. "And I'm not excusing what I did, because I never should have made a move on your friend. I crossed a line there, and I know that. But I can only profess that I was drunk and miserable, I wasn't thinking straight, and no matter what may or may not have happened if Louis hadn't pushed me away, it was still an action based on impulse rather than any deep feeling. I loved you, Harry. Not Louis. I know I flirted with him but it honestly didn't mean anything. I swear."

"I know," he nodded. "I know it didn't. And I know Louis didn't instigate the kiss, and didn't encourage you." I nodded too. "I also know you both admitted you would though," he added, with a trace of a smirk, and I stared at him with wide eyes, my face slowing turning beetroot.

"I - he - it's not -" I stammered, and he grinned.

"It's alright. He told me in context. Another time, another place, another life. I get it. I've known for ages that Louis thought you were hot. And I could tell you felt the same."